Breaking our kids out of the digital death grip

There's already plenty of research and literature out there showing that too much time on the Internet and electronic devices is detrimental to kids in a myriad of ways. This isn't news and I assume that most adults already know that. However, I recently read the findings of this child psychologist's research that brought the impact of the digital age a whole new level. A group of kids between the ages of 12-18 voluntarily spent 8 hours without electronic gadgets in an experiment and the result was startling. Only 3 out of the 68 kids completed the experiment.

Quote: "Three of the participants had suicidal thoughts. Five of them experienced intense panic attacks. Twenty-seven experienced symptoms such as nausea, sweating, dizziness, hot flushes and abdominal pain. Almost everyone who took part experienced feelings of fear and anxiety."

Suicidal thoughts and panic attacks? Wow.

Among the biggest complaints about kids I hear from my friends is that of Internet addiction so it's a hugely common problem. They complain that their kids spend too much time on the phone/computer/iPad and it affects everything from grades in school to interest in books to social skills.

Last week, Lesley-Anne and I conducted school talks at ISS International and we had a chat with the librarian. She lamented that kids these days don't read as much as they should because they have lost the ability to focus, due to exposure to digital gadgets. They expect everything to be quick and bite-sized. They lose interest in books that don't feature instant action and pictures. She was speaking anecdotally but I checked and the research backs her instincts. According to this article on Medical Daily, the digital age has decreased our attention span to just 8 seconds. That's less than a goldfish's attention span.

I don't claim to have all the answers - my kids are not immune to the lure of the Internet. However, I offer two observations based on my own experiences that hopefully can bring some insight into how parents can navigate this digital minefield.

1) Getting addicted is easy

This might sound like a "no shit, Sherlock!" observation but some parents behave like they're completely unaware of this. I've seen parents indulging their toddlers with iPads, gushing about how quickly their little ones figured out how to work the screens. I see 9-year-olds being given handphones with unrestricted and unsupervised airtime, with the flimsy excuse, "oh, everyone has one".

It takes almost no time at all to get from "here's a laptop" to "I've got a gaming monster on my hands". Like with any addiction, getting hooked is ridiculously easy. Just ask a smoker how simple it is to get from the first puff to the two-packs-a-day habit. If you understand this, wouldn't you think twice, thrice, about giving your kids unfettered access to electronic gadgets?

In our household, I had long imposed restrictions on electronic devices. When the iPad was all the rage and my mil wanted to get one for the kids, I put my foot down. I refused to buy laptops for my kids because I foresaw the dangers of them having a portable device where they could potentially spend hours on it, without my knowledge. For a long time, the kids' computer was a desktop located in my office, next to my desk. In other words, within my sight. Since it's not very fun to play games with your mum constantly peering over your shoulder and nagging at you, the computer wasn't used that often.

A few friends asked me, "but don't your kids need a laptop for school?" I suspect the "needing a laptop for school" argument is created by kids or parents who wish to justify their purchases. Unless it's the school that imposes such requirements (which I'm opposed to), I've found this to be false, right up to secondary school. My kids had not felt the need to bring a laptop to school. They did their homework on the home computer and on the few occasions that Lesley-Anne had to do some IT stuff in school, she used the computers in the school library. No biggie.

This carried on until Lesley-Anne entered JC, where she had to do her project work with her group in school every day. So we finally caved and bought her a cheap, practical Asus netbook. Nothing fancy and as a bonus, it's small, light and easy to carry around. It served its purpose but guess what - after Lesley-Anne got the netbook, she suddenly spent a lot more time in her room, surfing the Net and watching Youtube videos. Sigh. Repeat after me: getting addicted is easy.

Nevertheless, I would say Lesley-Anne is quite the untypical teenager in that she has a rather dispassionate attitude towards all things electronic. She doesn't use Twitter or Instagram, and her Facebook account is practically dead. I don't want to claim too much credit though cos she hardly watches TV as well, which was not something I restricted too much. She says it's boring and time-wasting.

2) Enforcement is hard

Many parents, when they finally realise that their kids are spending more time in front of the computer or phone than the other hours of the day put together (and usually when the latest exam results come back in brilliant hues of red), decide they have to Do Something. The most common is limiting time ("only one hour of computer time a day!") or confiscating the offending object ("no phone until you pass your Maths again!")

Like my ex-boss would say, "Very easy to give, very hard to take back."

Enforcement is very difficult once your kids have become addicted to digital devices. As with most addictions, it takes A LOT of willpower to quit. They may know all the logical reasons for quitting and may even be willing to stop, but they're unable to help themselves. So unless you're able to watch over your children 24/7 to ensure they abide by your new rules, chances are they're trying to find a way to satisfy that craving without your knowledge. It's not that they're bad, evil children. That's the way addiction works. Think alcoholics and smokers.

I faced a similar encounter with Andre. So as mentioned above, the kids' pc was next to mine and Andre would sometimes play games on it. It was mostly Minecraft and a few other games, and I had imposed a one-hour daily limit but it grew to become a problem when he was simply unable to stop. I would be yelling at him, "You've already played for more than an hour!" and he would beg, "10 more minutes!"

Sometime last year, I caught him breaking a rule or something (don't remember what the exact situation was) and as a punishment, I banned him from any computer time for a week. One night before the week was up, I caught him in the room, playing on the computer in the dark when he thought I'd gone to bed. I might have banned him from the computer for life that night. I don't remember because parts of my brain might have been blown to bits when I exploded.

In other words, do not underestimate the addictive powers of that electronic gadget when you freely give it to your kids. It's easier to start out not creating the environment that sets you up for failure, than to try and remedy the situation later. Expecting teenagers and kids to automatically be able to control their digital usage is like leaving a toddler in a candy store and expecting him to eat within reasonable limits. Steve Jobs, the late founder of Apple, limited the use of technology for his own children. When the creator of the iPad doesn't allow his own children to use it, that speaks volumes.


So back to the Andre vs the computer story. I'm happy to say that story had a happy ending. God must have taken pity on me and intervened because not too long after that episode, the offending computer inexplicably died. Since that occurred during Andre's exam period, I told Kenneth we would think about replacing it only after, so Andre wouldn't be tempted to play on it.

Then the exams came and went, and we never got around to discussing the replacement (partly because buying tech stuff to me is even less enjoyable and interesting than the tedium of marking assessment papers.) The day after his exams, Andre grumbled a little that he couldn't play his games, but astonishingly, after just a few days, he never mentioned it again. Before we knew it, a few months had passed.

We came to the realisation that the computer actually didn't serve much of a useful purpose and was more an instrument enabling Andre's gaming addiction. When the computer died, his addiction died a natural death too. When asked if he misses the games, he says sometimes. But it has become more of an occasional itch that can be quickly forgotten, rather than a full-blown obsession. This reinforces my belief that addicts really do want to quit but are just unable to. Sometimes, going cold turkey is the only way. When Andre needs to do some work now, he uses my computer. It was truly no big loss and a huge gain. Admittedly, he still spends too much time watching Youtube videos on his phone, but I'm sure God will get to that in time, heh.

Don't get me wrong - I don't believe in cutting off all exposure to the Internet (I don't think it's possible anyway) since there are obvious benefits to being connected digitally. But given the highly addictive nature of digital devices, I believe that as parents, we can and should set limits at home.

I know it can be challenging going down this route. Take away their computers and kids can still have access to the Internet via their phones. We can't supervise their cyber activities round the clock. Hence, to have a fighting chance of countering digital addiction, we've got to do more than simply restricting access. To me, this means increasing the arsenal of meaningful activities that we expose our kids to... and while we're at it, be a good role model. Put aside your own phone and laptop, and be an active participant along with your kids. Activities like reading, baking, playing board games, or outdoor activities like riding a bike, swimming, or simply spending time with them chatting. You get the drift.

It's not that these activities mean your kids won't get hooked on computer games. But instinctively, I think when a kid's time is filled with interesting stuff, it lays the ground for other passions and habits to take root, and they're less likely to try and fill their voids electronically. If their real world is meaningful enough, they won't feel the need to replace it with a virtual one.

The blogger reflects

I started this blog in August 2008. That makes it exactly 5 years to date. During that time, I wrote about my kids growing up, education policies, my thoughts on learning and other miscellaneous stuff. I started out blogging everyday and then slowed down gradually, to once a week (every Monday) for the past 2 years or so. I've always said that I will continue blogging for as long as possible and I think I've finally reached the point where I can no longer do it on a regular basis.

In the blogging hemisphere, 5 years is a pretty long time. Many blogs die a natural death when the blogger runs out of things to say or simply runs out of steam. I've pushed on because I always had rather opinionated thoughts on something to do with education or the other. I was also determined to record all the fun stuff my kids did and said while they were growing up as sort of a memory bank.

It has been great but lately, I've realised that the inevitable has happened. I started struggling to find things to write about and time to write them. There are a couple of reasons for this:

1) Both my kids are now in secondary school. Somehow, parents are most stressed out about education in Singapore at the primary and pre-primary school years. Issues tend to crop up then, less so in the later school years. Kids are also less cute (actions that might be adorable at age 9 become awfully annoying at age 12), hence, there are fewer interesting incidents to record.

2) I just got busier. My corporate writing business is growing. After 10 years, I now have four other writers on my team. Managing the projects and business aspects is in itself a full-time job, not to mention the actual writing that I do. As you also know, I recently tried my hand at book writing (out in October this year) and discovered that I really enjoy it. As a result, I'm going to pursue book writing more extensively which will take up even more time.

So I've come to the conclusion that something has to give and that something is blogging. To my fans, I want to assure you that I'm not shutting down this blog. It's not goodbye (which sounds so final).  It's just that I won't be blogging on such a regular basis. I've always believed that writing for its own sake is simply self-indulgent, so I'll only be posting when I have something to share, eg. updates on my upcoming books and views on education when they do come up.

At this juncture, I want to say that blogging has been a fantastic journey. Quite amazingly to me, this blog took on a life of its own. On several occasions, I was even recognised in public which is quite a foreign concept to me since I'm an introvert and generally shy away from the limelight.

The most recent encounter was a funny story. We were at the Marina Bay Sands Toast Box outlet having tea before going to watch Phantom of the Opera. This very nice lady came up to us and told me that she enjoys reading my blog. What she didn't know was that just before that, we had spotted Mr Brown aka Lee Kin Mun, also at Toast Box, and we were sneaking peaks at him. So when she approached us, we were a little taken aback. It's kinda like a voyeur suddenly realising he was being watched.

Anyway, I'm always happy when readers approach me (to the lady who came up to us, if you're reading this, thanks for making yourself known!) It's lovely to meet my readers in person. It's certainly much better than being silently observed, which is kinda stalker-ish and creeps me out a little.  So if you spot me, please do say hi! (unless you hate my writing, in which case, maybe no need lah, haha).    

A little marketing spiel: If you have enjoyed my writing, I hope you will continue to support me in my upcoming book (and maybe books). It's a new phase of my writing career/passion and I'm trying to see if I can make it work. Perhaps it's career suicide as there's definitely more money in corporate writing than book writing, but hey, I'm an optimist!

Meanwhile, I want to say, very sincerely, thanks for reading all my thoughts, opinions and ramblings all these years. At the risk of sounding totally cliche, the encouragement from my readers is truly what has kept this blog going for so long.

Touch typing for kids

One week of school holidays to go and with all school activities cancelled due to the haze, and the kids unable to go outdoors, I'm guessing many parents are getting tired of their children bouncing off walls at home.

Instead of succumbing to endless computer games and tv, I have a suggestion for a more meaningful activity for your kids (no, it's not assessment books).

It's typing.

We all know typing is an essential skill in the age of technology.  Some schools organise a few sessions in primary school where the students get to learn typing during the school term. Andre had this in p1 or p2, I don't remember. But since it was held in a computer lab where the kids had to share computers, he didn't get much out of it.

Last November after his PSLE, when he had played non-stop for 6 weeks straight, I realised that he had another 7 weeks of holidays.  At this rate, he was going to completely lose all his brain cells (or whatever was left of them) by the time 2012 had ended, so I searched online for a typing programme and found this one:  BBC Dance Mat Typing.

It's clearly designed for younger kids since it has cartoon characters and whatnot.  But it's systematic and very straightforward. You go through the exercises and advance to different levels.  I found that it does its job pretty well in helping kids get the hang of where the letters are on the keyboard.

Where it's a little lacking is the practice exercises. If your children have completed this and you want them to hone their skills, there are lots of free sites which test your ability as you type.  I downloaded one called Stamina which Lesley-Anne found pretty useful. It sets you exercises and tells you how accurate and fast you are.

There are many others available, some even come with games.  Learning to type is certainly a lot more fun now than in my time!

Of Kids and Education is on Facebook!

Ever so often, I would receive friend requests on Facebook by readers of this blog. However, since I prefer to keep my Facebook friends to people I actually know, I usually don't accept those requests.

Nevertheless, I do want to connect with my readers and fans and the blog platform is a little limited since they can only do so via the comments. Many readers, especially those too shy to comment, have thus remained faceless to me, which isn't ideal. I would love this to be a two-way street. So what I've done is to set up a community page for this blog on Facebook. It's something I guess I should have done a long time ago but just never got around to it.

The thought is that it will be a place where my readers can share their views on education and kids in general, and also interact with me and other like-minded parents, hence the name "Community". It's also there that I will post updates on this blog and any other random thoughts, Facebook-style.

I hope you will support me in this. Just click on the "Like" button on the top right hand corner of this page and visit the FB page to join in the community. See you there!

The value of paper qualifications

What's up with Blogger???? This post was up on Thursday 12 May and suddenly, I find it's back in my draft box, unposted. GAAAHHH. To all those who left comments, sorry, I think they've inexplicable disappeared.

Over the past two weeks, I've been trawling the internet for GE news, like thousands of other Singaporeans. One of the blogs I like to visit is Mr Wang Says So. Apart from the fact that he writes insightful political pieces, he's also a terrific writer. By terrific, I mean his writing style is simple but engaging. If I'm not wrong, he's a lawyer working in the financial industry but what captured my attention is that he's also an award-winning poet and a published author.

About a year ago, I was startled to discover that he's the brother of my friend and ex-business partner. My friend is a supremely talented artist so it looks like the creative streak runs in the family. Singapore is a tiny place.

Ok, commercial over. The reason I brought this up was that in the midst of reading Mr Wang's blog, I stumbled across this post on the value of paper qualifications. I love it because it proves what many people like me have suspected for many years - paper qualifications are really not worth that much. The humour is that Mr Wang had to literally lose them to confirm the point.

As he says, when you're young, "the most important purpose of a certificate is to help you get another certificate (for example, the PSLE cert helps you to get the O-level cert which helps you to get the A-level)." After that, certificates are most often needed for employment.

At some point, even this ceases to matter because what's important is how we perform on a job, not a piece of paper. Curiously, that's where I find that people sometimes err - by equating their own value with their certification. When I was still under employment, I sometimes came across individuals who would spout things like, "I have an MBA from ChicagoU." Which would be ok if it wasn't said in a tone that implied I should be impressed by that fact alone.

A paper qualification is a paper qualification. The important thing is what you have learned in the process of acquiring it and how you are applying the knowledge. The fact that you possess it is often irrelevant. Worse, some people actually believe that having that extra certificate means they automatically make better decisions. Trust me, you can have a Harvard degree and still make mistakes that cause organisations to bleed money. (I'm pretty sure the bankers and financial experts involved in the US sub-prime mortgage crisis didn't buy their qualifications from the black market).

I wrote this post because I feel many Singaporeans have become obsessed with grades and paper qualifications. From the time our kids are 12, we push them to conquer every paper hurdle, starting with the PSLE. While these certificates may be important, they shouldn't be life-centric, meaning your kids spend every waking hour performing tasks that help them achieve the next piece of paper. I hear of so many sec 1 kids who, meeting new classmates for the first time, don't ask "what's your name?" but "what's your t-score?"

It is a mindset that continues into adulthood and is easy to spot - the adults who still bring up their 'O' level performance, academic awards or how they scored an 'A' in a subject, in their conversations with you. These are the folks stuck in the paper mode. Their self-worth is embodied in these achievements so they have to constantly remind others of them, even if these events happened some 30 years ago. It's a little sad to see.

Paper qualifications are merely the tools to help us achieve our goals. Realising that these qualifications don't define us also helps us to be less judgmental towards those without. Let's have some perspective.

Table tennis and a new S90

You may remember that I previously mentioned our weekly family badminton games. Well, as of a few weeks ago, these were stopped. Partly because the novelty has worn off somewhat (afterall it has been a couple of years) but mostly, it's because the standards between individual members are now so disparate that it's almost comical.

Andre has been receiving ongoing badminton training while Lesley-Anne and I possess the "no ball sense" gene, further handicapped by our uncoordinated limbs. As a result, our games have become completely lopsided. After 5 minutes of being unable to return Andre's shots, Lesley-Anne will declare that she's "taking a break". Meanwhile, I will impose rules for Andre as I go along - "not allowed to smash at me!", "cannot hit so far back!", "ok, half court only!" at which point, he'll usually grumble, "everything also cannot, how to play?"

Sometimes, Lesley-Anne and I both take on Andre together... and we still lose. So malu. Andre usually ends up sparring with Kenneth, unless Kenneth's bum knee acts up, then it's game over.

After a while, we came to the realisation that it was time to stop these weekly badminton comedy routines. However, unwilling to give up our attempt at family bonding over sports, we decided to try something else - table tennis. It turned out to be really fun, maybe because the learning curve is shorter. As expected though, Andre is picking up the game much faster than me or Lesley-Anne and already, I'm finding myself saying "not allowed to smash me!" Did I mention my uncoordinated limbs?

Well, for now, it's still fun so we're going to enjoy it while we can! I tried posting a video but I've been having problems with Blogger in video posting for a while now. Instead, here are some pictures - last week, I treated myself to a new Canon Powershot S90 as I wanted to capture better pictures of my kids. Quite happy with the test run but still trying to figure out the many features. At least my indoor, non-flash shots no longer come out looking like they were taken in an earthquake zone!

We'll be right back after this break

Lately, I've been experiencing a slight case of Blogger's Burnout. Coupled with my workload that has been piling up (hey, it pays the bills!), it's been challenging to keep churning out those posts. Especially when I don't get feedback, I've no idea if what I'm writing is even remotely interesting to my readers. I know, commitment to a blog for the long haul is high maintenance - for both sides!

So I'm going to take a short hiatus from blogging for a while, maybe a couple of weeks. To be honest, not having to think about my posts for a bit is somewhat of a relief.

Hopefully with this break, I'll return refreshed and more motivated. Meanwhile, let me leave you with this quip from my laugh-a-minute Andre:

"Tongue depressors are just ice-cream sticks that have been washed."

He probably figures doctors have the best jobs in the world, what with getting to eat ice cream everyday. Don't you just love the fairy land mindset of kids? See you soon.

www.ofkids.blogspot.com

For a while now, I've been pondering over the need to change the url address of my blog. You see, www.hedgehogcomms.blogspot.com isn't the easiest to commit to memory, especially as I'm well aware that my blog has actually nothing to do with hedgehogs.

How it happened was that when I first registered this blog, I tried a few urls and they were all taken. In my impatience, I decided to just use the name of my business, which is Hedgehog Communications. I didn't think at that time, that the blog would survive, thrive even, 2 years on. Certainly, having an easy-to-remember url was the last thing on my mind (would anyone even read it, let alone want to come back and refer friends to it?)

But now, with my blog having batted almost 85,000 eyeballs, I'm thinking at least some readers must wish the blog address was something more obvious. I recall trying to access a friend's blog not from my usual pc and for the life of me, couldn't remember the url. That's what happens when you outsource your memory and have everything bookmarked. Do you recall when we used to be adept at remembering a gazillion of our friends' phone numbers? Today, they're all keyed into our mobile phones - it wouldn't surprise me if one day, even your own phone number draws a blank.

So I went into Blogger, tried out a couple of urls and whaddya know, www.ofkids.blogspot.com was available! You can't get any easier than that, can you? (Why I didn't try that the very first time is beyond me).

However, I was slightly apprehensive. If I simply changed the address, I would lose all my previous traffic - and anyone who bookmarked my previous url would now reach a broken link. I then tried registering two urls and redirecting the hedgehogcomms site to the ofkids site but found that all the past comments and followers failed to be transferred.

By then, it was 1am, my lao hua yen eyes were clouding involuntarily and I was having nightmares of my blog posts irrecoverably deleted en masse. So the secretly tech-terrified part of me decided to play it safe and keep the hedgehogcomms url. BUT BUT I also managed to register the ofkids url and redirect it to the hedgehogcomms one. What this means is that you can now type www.ofkids.blogspot.com and you will automatically be directed to my blog. If your pc is still operating on last millennium speed (like mine), you will get a peak at the doppelgänger of my blog layout before you're redirected. Cheap thrill, I know.

So there you have it - my blog address remains unchanged but if you want to access my blog from another location or tell your friends about it (thank you!), you can now remember or recite the alternative address with ease. Way easier than "...H...E...D... no, D! D for Denmark!" As you can tell, that happens to me a lot.

I'm glad I've resolved (somewhat) this issue of a simpler url. Now if only I can get Blogger to write the posts for me...

We're on the pages of Young Parents magazine!

Hope everyone had an enjoyable Christmas! I know we did... and it's over again all too soon.

We did have a special Christmas present this year, in the form of Young Parents magazine. You see, I was interviewed a couple of months ago for an article on mums who blog about education. Yup, Of Kids and Education made it to the newstands, how about that!

Lilian asked me to scan the article and post it here but several problems presented themselves, the biggest one was that I do not own a scanner. Secondly, even if I did, I don't think I would know how to post it here, the tech novice that I am.

So, if you want to read the article, do get a copy of Young Parents magazine, January 2010 issue. The article is on pages 50-54. The writer Tracy was really nice and accommodating, and I'm very grateful to her for writing about my blog in such a positive way.

Instead of blogging about the article, I'm going to chat about our experience. The interview was quite straightforward and uneventful, the highlight for my kids was definitely the photo shoot. It was a full studio shoot where wardrobe and makeup were provided.

The wardrobe was the tricky bit. While they were spot on with my kids' styles (gorgeous Gap tops and jeans), they were completely off the mark with me. It was completely my fault, I made it a point to tell them in advance not to put Lesley-Anne in a dress or anything with frills so that she wouldn't be uncomfortable, and forgot all about myself. So when they showed me a green sleeveless dress that I was to wear, I'm sure my expression must have been priceless. I'm not fussy but there were three things wrong with that outfit for me - Green. Sleeveless. And dress. Apparently it was a mistake not to have mentioned to them that I am almost exclusively a jeans and t-shirt gal, and that I can't remember the last time I wore a dress.

After some feeble protests, the wardrobe folks very obligingly agreed to change my outfit. It was another dress with a striking spiderweb print. It's still totally not me but at least it's not sleeveless and it's not green (one of the sure colours to make me look like I'm on my deathbed, apart from beige). So, not wanting to appear like a prima donna, I agreed.

Then the next surprise - they presented me with a pair of three-inch heels. My kids had hysterics - I'm sure my startled expression is permanently seared into their memories. Andre gallantly offered me his arm and asked with a straight face, "Can you stand up, Mummy? Here, take my arm." As I wobbled to take my place in front of the camera, I kept thinking, "Thank God it's a still photo."

And here we are. Let it be recorded that I also had false eyelashes on. Ah well, we should all be glamorised at least once in our lives!

The photos taken are property of SPH and so we were not able to receive copies, which is a pity. The photographer generously offered to take this pic of us using my handphone so we could at least have something to remember the session by.

After the group session, the photographer was so taken by Andre's typical animated self that she requested to take a few solo shots of him for her portfolio. Needless to say, Andre LOVED the attention - everything from the makeup and waxed hair to the Gap outfit. He posed, he hammed it up, he basked in the limelight.

Here are some shots I took on my crummy phone. Too bad we couldn't have copies of the actual photos, some of them were really nice.

He loved the checked shirt so much I bought a similar one for him for Chinese New Year. If by some miracle, he ever makes it as a model, let it be known that he got his start here!

Message from Santa

A quick post for those with young kids.

Here is a link where you can create a personalised video message for your little one from Santa Claus and it's pretty neat. I did it for Andre and he sure got a kick out of it!

The only kink is that if you click "Other country" in the form, the video seems to hang for some people, so just choose "Australia", "New Zealand" or "United Kingdom" if that happens.

Actually, it's not just fun for kids but for adults too (the sender as well as the receiver!) You can send it to your friends - I know a friend (who shall remain nameless) who spent the past two days in the office customising the video for her colleagues. I created one for Lilian and was chuckling away while keying in the options.

Ho ho ho!

The finer points of blogging about kids

It's not lost on me that my recent posts have largely been about my kids' accomplishments of some sort or other. I thought I should clarify the fact: it's not that this blog is veering towards a trophy room for my kids or that I'm trying to paint a picture of perfection.

As my kids grow older, they become increasingly self-conscious. Even as they discover more about themselves everyday, they are gradually sieving out and accepting or rejecting others' perceptions of them as a reflection of their true self. It's part and parcel of growing up.

Both my kids read my blog, so often what I write on my blog about them influences this self-perception. This has been true for Lesley-Anne from the beginning but now, Andre too is becoming more self-aware (even though he's still largely more interested in the photos!) As a result, I've had to exercise much more self-censorship and restraint in writing.

My kids are not perfect - far from it. They still get into scrapes, they still fall short sometimes. But not every incident can be posted publicly. Not because I'm ai bin (I think I've been pretty open in sharing in the past) but because they can be sensitive points for my kids. As long as I feel that the airing of any incident can create an inkling of self-doubt in them, I have the responsibility not to blog about it. For instance, Andre had some issues in school earlier this term but I made a judgement call that it would not be productive to him to write about them. I'm glad I didn't - he has since surprised me with a 180 degree transformation.

Not every "negative" incident needs to be axed though. Sometimes, certain events enable us laugh at ourselves or help us and others learn from them, in which case I will continue to share. Conversely, I try to blog about the achievements of my kids not just so I'll have a record of them but because it positively reinforces their self-esteem when they read about themselves. It's an ongoing balancing act.

So this is my attempt at explaining the direction I've been taking and to reassure my readers out there who may be thinking that I'm leading a charmed life: no, I don't have super kids! They're regular kids with regular problems. And I don't always have the answers. But take it from someone who has lost her temper one too many times and often despaired far too soon, I've found that patience and empathy, peppered with lots of prayer, can work wonders.

You know, nobody has perfect kids but I find that when I make an effort to consciously record my kids' achievements, I usually find more than I expect. In the same way that counting your blessings helps you appreciate them more, recognising my kids' strengths makes me grateful for who they are. You might like to try it sometime.

Let's go on a Mouse Hunt!

Since last week, the kids and I have been chasing down mice. No, our home is not pest-infested - I'm referring to the virtual kind on a Facebook Game called Mouse Hunt.

I blame it on Lilian's son Brian. He was the one who introduced us to the game and at first, it didn't seem like the kind of game I would like. I mean, there's no actual action happening - all you do is press a button every 15 minutes and see if the computer-generated programme deigns that you should catch a mouse.

The mice can be quite cute, like this basic White mouse:

Or fearless like the Pirate mouse:

135 breeds in all. And then there are the traps. You buy a base and weapon using pieces of gold that you earn, taking into account statistics such as bait, power, luck and attraction rate. There are ranks to reach, maps to collect, potions to craft, lands to explore - all with the single objective of catching mice.

The game is very, very clever. It was designed to appeal to the human psyche of curiosity, planning and most of all, desire to beat the odds and try your luck. It even hooks you up into hunting groups with your Facebook friends who also play the game. No wonder it has become one of the most popular games on Facebook.

Needless to say, I quickly became obsessed with catching mice. I cursed the Hunter's Horn when my cheese turned stale. I celebrated when I caught my first Ninja mouse. The game even threatened to come between my friendship with Lilian when my repeated sounding of the horn turned up empty for Lilian. "Stop sounding that horn!" she screeched over virtual space, sending me scarpering to the Meadow.

After watching me play, Lesley-Anne and Andre were dying to play too, so I set up Facebook accounts for them - not real social accounts since they're still below age but just for them to play the game.

Which brings me to my new Top 10 list. Here are the Top 10 signs that you're a Mouse Hunt addict:

1) You bore all your friends on Facebook with status updates on the new type of mouse you've caught.

2) Your kids come home from school and the first thing they say is not "hi Mum" but "did I catch any mice??"

3) You download 2 whole new web browsers just so you and your kids can each have their own Mouse Hunt platform. And not forgetting that Mouse Hunt search engine which gives you 3 free pieces of Super Brie cheese a day.

4) Your homepage on your web browser is Facebook, with your password already keyed in so your kids can press the Hunter's Horn for you while you're out.

5) Your son yells "You got 2 Greys and 1 Granite!" and you know he's talking about mice.

6) You work in 15-minute blocks, around the sounding of the Hunter's Horn.

7) You go out for a family Japanese buffet lunch and you *ahemlilian* sms your fellow mouse hunting friend *coughme* to ask how many mice you caught while you're away.

8) You veto a holiday to a destination without Internet access.

9) You study the detailed Guide to Mouse Hunt more intently than your kids' exam schedule.

10) Your casual friend on Facebook becomes your idol when you realise that she has attained the Legendary rank on Mouse Hunt. And your kids want to be adopted by her.

So in the next few days, if I say I'm busy, you'll know the truth - most likely, I'm catching me some rodents.

One year on... and why I keep writing

I'm not sure if you'll be surprised to hear this but today is the one year anniversary of my blog!

I can't believe I've done this for a year. For those of you who are expecting a spectacular, witty or fabulously thought-provoking post to mark this occasion, sorry to disappoint you. Here's a confession: I'm kaput of ideas.

For a while now, I've been dragging my feet at blogging. My faithful followers who've been with me since Day 1 may have noticed that I started out with one post everyday, followed by five a week, then four and now three (and struggling to maintain three). Like most projects and most people, I start out full of enthusiasm and then run out of steam. On days when I'm up to my eyeballs in work or have on my mind other matters like DSA, PSLE, badminton, the last thing I want to think about is what to write for my blog. Doesn't help that my blogger pals, Lilian, Adeline and Cindy have also slowed to a crawl or thrown in the towel completely. Wei, can you all start the engines again? No kaki where got fun liddat??

Blogging is siong because there is no finish line. As a professional writer, my motivation is often writing that very last page or vetting the final proof (because it means I won't have long to wait for the paycheck!) So in that sense, blogging is very daunting because the end is never in sight. Maybe that's why many blogs just die a natural death. I'm reluctant to let that happen. If I want to stop my blog, I want it to be a purposeful, deliberate decision, not something that occurs due to lack of inspiration.

I did a quick review of my posts over the past year to remind myself why I started this blog to begin with. I didn't have lofty ambitions when I began, I wasn't even sure if people would tune in. I had a few strong views that I wanted to broadcast, opinionated as I am. (I've certainly come a long way from my very first post griping about a certain individual). But in the past year, my views have evolved, concretised and even grown extensions. Such is the power of written expression, bolstered by ongoing feedback. On this anniversary, I've become emboldened to dream bigger - that my blog can actually make a positive impact on somebody.

And for now, this is the reason I feel compelled to keep chugging along, even though it's tough going at times. I don't have delusions of grandeur, I don't expect people's lives to change dramatically from reading my blog. But if one parent can see the value of letting her child pursue her passion for sports instead of single-mindedly focusing on mugging, if one student can see that she doesn't have to memorise model compositions to write well, if one teacher can stop pushing kids to compete for that extra ½ mark in an exam, well, then that sentimental side of me wants to believe that it's an endeavour worth continuing.

So to my readers, I promise I'll keep at it for as long as I can. I'm not sure how long that will be. Keep the comments coming - they let me know what you think and add that element of interaction to what would otherwise be a one-way street. I'll also confess that they boost my morale just a tad :) I only ask for a little laxity if I start to ramble or blog about irrelevant stuff, if only to fulfil my promise of putting something out! In the meantime, here's to happy kids and happy parents.

The beginnings of a future cyber addict

It's hard keeping up with the speed of IT - just when we figure out Facebook, we've got to contend with twitter. And even as I write this, twitter has already made way for something else but I wouldn't know cos I'm a tortoise in the age of the nuclear-powered hare.

We don't even give email a second thought now. How did we ever communicate before? Phone? Memos?? Yes, when I first started work, we typed out memos! And cc actually meant giving someone a physical copy!

It was only when I helped Andre open his first email account that I remembered how momentous email was, like getting a key to your very own personal letter box. He was very excited about it and kept wanting to compose and check his email. At first, he didn't quite understand that he's unlikely to get any new mail if he doesn't tell people what his email address is... which he kept confusing with his password. Told him he had to keep his password a secret from everyone (except me, the sole guardian) and he would whisper conspiratorially to me, "Mummy, I typed xxx but cannot."

"Aiyah, that's your user id lah, silly."

Didn't help that his user id was so long he kept typing it wrongly, thanks to his keyboard-challenged typing and spelling skills.

This was the first email I received from him:

Dear mummy

Did you play alot of computer games today ?

Love andre

This was my reply:

Dearest Andre

Yes I did! I broke a high score too. But I think I need to get back to work now… just like you!

Love

Mummy

Since email is now such an integral part of my life, I kept missing out on teaching him basic functions which I assumed he knew. Cautioned him at length about internet-safety practices but forgot to teach him how to reply to email.

So instead of clicking reply, he clicked "Compose message" and typed "reply" in the subject. Which was:

Dear mummy

Good luck on your work.

Love andre

My reply:

Dearest Andre

Thank you. Now can you please go and do your work instead of writing emails? :)

Love, Mummy

I think I'll wait a bit before opening a Facebook account for him...

All things Russian

You'll have to bear with me as I find excuses to write posts that are image heavy and text light. Hey, have to experiment with my new camera, right!

So here is a post on goodies from Moscow. What's the link to kids and education? Well, I just met up with Lilian who returned from Moscow and brought me these goodies. And we all know by now Lilian has kids who get on famously with my kids and both us mothers are suffering the education system together. Tah-dah!

Apart from being terrific company, Lilian also came bearing one of my favourite type of gifts - chocolates. We were so spoilt, we received two boxes of these Russian chocolates, one for the kids, one for mummy. Lilian knows me so well - I don't share chocolates!! Who cares about the unpronounceable name, the contents are YUMMY. Each box contains four different types: cashew, caramel, coffee and pistachio. Calorie rich but so worth it!

During her last trip, Lilian brought me a Matryoshka doll. We have quite a few of the pseudo ones from China which are more like kids' toys and clumsily made, but this is the real McCoy. Like all authentic Matryoshka dolls, there are 10-in-1, the last one smaller than a finger nail (but still has a face, it's not simply a blob of wood). Each of the dolls are meticulously painted with little beads painstakingly pressed on the largest one.

Simply gorgeous! Well, if you can't travel to these exotic places, the next best thing is to have someone bring a piece of the culture to you. Thanks Lilian!

Breaking in my new Canon Ixus A480

So finally, my lao yah Nikon went kaput. It probably died from lack of appreciation and/or old age (3 years). Just to spite us, it konked out 2 months from the expiry of the extended warranty and less than a week after the PC Show where there were bargains galore.

No matter - it was the perfect excuse to get a new camera! We checked out reviews on the Internet and finally decided on the Canon Ixus A480 because it appeared to be the best buy among the budget range. We really just wanted one of those "point and shoot" kinds, nothing fancy. More importantly, it had to be able to take good macro shots, partly to appease Lilian who has been complaining that she has to view blur photos of my kids' drawings. The A480 can take macro shots as close as 1cm and at only $219, the value can't be beat.

To celebrate Father's Day, we went for a Japanese ala carte buffet lunch at Momoya Restaurant, which was the perfect occasion to break in my new toy. The food was pretty good although the selection wasn't great - over abundance of rice and noodle items (not so subtle way of trying to fill you up?) Lesley-Anne didn't qualify for the child rate any more but it was still reasonably priced at $26+ (adults), $15+ (child) for lunch.

The Canon Ixus met all expectations and more. The close-up shots are 100 times clearer than my Nikon even with my shaky hand. And so, here's a visual display of some of the items we had.

Sashimi platter (we omitted the octopus). We had three of these platters plus another four portions of just the salmon sashimi. We just love our sashimi!

Ebi tempura and pork belly Tokyo style (tender and oh so delicious! We devoured six pieces of this).









Age dashi tofu and Edamame beans









Fried unagi (doused in a strange spicy sauce) and fried capelin









My food shots have never turned out so good! I'm a happy camper. Happy Father's Day!

The responsibilities of a blogging mum

There’s something very ego-boosting about having your own blog and knowing that you have readers. It’s like publishing your own little newspaper. But with publishing comes responsibility. Unlike a newspaper, anyone can start their own blog, so the difference is that with blogging, the responsibility lies with us.

I'm not talking about the responsibility to be politically correct. Blogging provides a relatively open platform for freedom of speech (of course in Singapore, there's still a limit but generally, you can say what you want). I'm talking about two main types of responsibility - responsibility to readers and as a blogging mum, responsibility to our kids.

The written word is very powerful. When something appears on print, its legitimacy is immediately heightened. You know I have many (opinionated) views on parenting and the education system. I've shared many of these with my friends for years but once I started blogging about them, it seemed like my views suddenly held more weight and more authority. Many mothers blog. Some blog purely about what their kids are doing, as a sort of journal, others zoom in on specific issues like maths or child-rearing methods. Mine is a rojak mix of everything. Where I sometimes feel the need to pause before I say something is in those commentary-type posts, where I state my viewpoint on an issue. Will this statement trigger an undesirable outcome? Will it make another mother feel less secure about herself? It's not about whether others agree with me, we can agree to disagree. It's about whether it helps or hinders someone else in her own parenting journey.

I read somewhere that a blog is not a book, it is a broadcast. The minute you stop writing, people stop reading, so the blogger is under some pressure to keep writing. Subconsciously now, I'm always on the look out for blogging opportunities. In doing so, I have to remember that I have a big responsibility to my kids when blogging. When you're writing not about fictitious people but your own kids, what you say has a real impact on them. Especially if your kids read your blog, like mine. It's like a window into their mother's thoughts - they can see themselves from my eyes. So sometimes, I have to be censor what I say because I need to protect their self-esteem and their privacy.

This is not to say that I will only write about their strengths and not their faults. In my opinion, blogs that only gush about how perfect their kids are, are boring and artificial. What I'm saying is that different kids have different sensitive points. When Lesley-Anne saw me taking a photo of her worn-out school shoes, she immediately panicked and screeched, "Why must you blog about that? It's so embarrassing! They will laugh at me!" Of course she didn't trust that I wouldn't openly embarrass her, when she saw the eventual post, she realised there was nothing incriminating in it. Whereas Andre, when he heard his sister's outburst, sidled up to me and said conspiratorially, "Mummy, you can blog about me, I don't mind."

So, mothers, blog away! But take the cue from your kids, whether they're shrinking violets or attention seekers, and adjust your words and volume accordingly.

25 random things about me

This is a post created out of sheer laziness. I was tagged on Facebook to write 25 random things about myself (something like my earlier MEME post), so I'm just reproducing it here.

1. I watch my kids and wonder how I could have produced 2 polar opposites.

2. If I want a good laugh, I just spend time with Andre.

3. I exercise but I hate it.

4. I shouldn't snack at night but I can't stop.

5. I'm terrified of lizards.

6. I'm terrified of cockroaches.

7. I have a recurring nightmare where I'm stuck in a little room teeming with lizards and cockroaches.

8. I watch Prison Break solely because of Wentworth Miller.

9. Habitual lateness irritates me.

10. I'll almost always opt to watch a tv series over a movie.

11. I think Coldplay is the most brilliant band to come along since the Beatles.

12. "Let's rough it out in the wild" is possibly the worst suggestion you can offer me.

13. I'm materially low maintenance but emotionally high maintenance.

14. I'm addicted to reality tv, especially Survivor, American Idol and Project Runway.

15. I'm addicted to Super 3-in-1 coffee.

16. I'm addicted to Scrabble on Facebook.

17. I'm not above self-promotion for my blog which has garnered almost 13,000 hits!

18. I despise men who marry bimbos and women who marry himbos.

19. I think some parents should be sterilised by the state.

20. I am the clumsiest person I know.

21. Bad grammar makes me cringe - occupational hazard.

22. I love sad books and happy endings.

23. I dislike confrontation, but I hate avoidance even more.

24. I'll take Ya Kun over Starbucks anytime.

25. I love my job - mum and writer.

The challenges of raising a gifted child

Last week, a group of IAA mums finally decided to meet up. (If you don't know what IAA is, read about it here.) It was very interesting - the three of us who eventually met up were loosely linked via the President of IAA, Lilian who couldn't make it. So there we were, three mums who'd never met, going on what felt like a three-way blind date.

But you know, having blogged about our kids and commiserated with each other on the challenges of parenting, it was like an instant kinship. For almost three hours over sushi, we talked about our incessant worries and laughed about our parenting bloopers. It once again reinforced my conviction that starting my kids blog is a worthwhile endeavour. Parenthood is possibly the toughest job in the world because it can determine whether you had a hand in creating Mother Teresa or Adolf Hitler. If more parents were open about sharing their experiences and tips instead of jealously guarding them, I do believe that fewer parents, especially new ones, would stumble less or at least avoid making the same mistakes.

The three of us shared many thoughts over lunch but one of them which I'm highlighting in this post was the issue of giftedness. The topic came up because one of the mothers has a 6-year-old son who has been suspected by a psychologist to be "exceptionally or profoundly gifted" (defined as IQ of above 160 and 180 respectively). In a society like Singapore which places such a premium on smarts, this would appear to be every parent's dream. But as they say, be careful what you wish for because it just might come true (I should know this, when I was preggers with Andre, I wished for a son like Calvin in Calvin & Hobbes and I pretty much got my wish.)

This mum was sharing with me her concern about the "exceptionally gifted" label as so many expectations come along with it. She was recounting a report which mentioned two individuals who were considered profoundly gifted (which is fewer than 1 in a million), one a 14-year-old boy in the US, took their own lives. The idea that life could be so unbearable for such a bright child that he would even consider ending it is just sobering.

While Lesley-Anne is not exceptionally or profoundly gifted, I can identify with this mum because I worry about the same issues that many parents of gifted children face. Contrary to popular belief, gifted children have to grapple with many problems, just like other kids. But because they're gifted, the world tends to give them a much shorter leash in terms of making mistakes and dealing with problems. Afterall, they're gifted! What problems could they possibly have, right?

While there is no substantial evidence to show that suicide or depression is higher among gifted individuals, there are certain tendencies among gifted kids, coupled with societal norms, that make them prone towards developing emotional and social problems. Here are a few:

1) Gifted kids tend to be perfectionists, more so than regular kids. I found quite a good, succinct presentation by Dr Pamela Clark on gifted kids which states while perfectionism can be positive if it spurs high achievement, it becomes unhealthy if it reaches the point where it the kids are unable to take pleasure in a task because they feel it is not perfect. This sort of perfectionism becomes disabling and has been linked to depression, eating disorders, obsessive-compulsive personality disorders and ironically, underachievement.

2) The life of gifted kids can be a lonely one because they can find it difficult to mingle with regular kids. I don't like to use the word "normal" because I think that's an artificial definition based on the majority. Many kids and parents alike criticise gifted kids for being anti-social and "weird" but I suspect it's just prejudice at play. If you say, place a Tibetan monk in an African village, he would definitely be considered strange, even "abnormal", just because he's different. But put that monk back in his own community and he'll fit right in.

Same thing with gifted kids - I find that the gifted kids who are criticised for being socially inept usually have fewer problems socialising with their gifted peers, not because they're arrogant or aloof, but because they're more likely to share similar interests and think on the same wavelength. But because there are way more regular than gifted kids, gifted kids can be ostracised in school, until they learn how to "speak the lingo" of regular kids, or so to speak. It has been found that some gifted kids deny their giftedness just so they can "be like everybody else". In general, the higher the IQ, the more likely difficulties in socialisation occur.

3) The bar tends to be raised for gifted kids once they've been identified, sometimes to unrealistic levels. I know this first-hand - when Andre comes home with good results, I heap him with praise. But when Lesley-Anne produces good results, I sometimes take it for granted, in fact I question when she performs less than stellar. The efforts of gifted kids tend to be appreciated less because we assume that it's easy for them. As this mum told me, sometimes when her son doesn't understand a new concept instantly, she thinks, "Huh? You should know this - you're gifted what!" (But she checks herself so she doesn't say it out loud.)

Once a child is labeled gifted, he or she is instantly expected to wow, all the time, by parents, the school and society at large, even through to adulthood. Don't underestimate the pressure faced by these kids. I have heard real stories of Singapore teenagers who were identified as gifted but later cracked under the pressure and developed eating disorders or completely failed every subject in school.

So what can we as parents do? According to Clark, here are a few tips:

• Praise them for the effort and determination vs being "smart" or "talented"
• Help them see setbacks as learning opportunities
• Encourage them to channel their efforts into areas they are passionate about instead of trying to be good in everything
• Help them set priorities and value relaxation
• Support their talent but don't add to the pressure

Clark also sees the benefit of having gifted kids spend time with like-minded peers. This is one reason I'm very grateful for the GEP, because it has enabled Lesley-Anne to meet and make friends with other kids like herself. I'm not being atas (snobbish) - I'm aware it's important for her to learn how to mix with regular kids since this world operates on "regular" 90% of the time, but in the process, I'm just happy she doesn't feel alone.

If your child is gifted, I highly recommend this book "A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children" by Webb, Gore, Amend and DeVries. I've recommended it before in an earlier post but it's worthwhile highlighting again. It answered most of my question on gifted kids and clarified many of my doubts.

Bye bye iPod Touch

So I didn't win the iPod Touch. I didn't even win a t-shirt. Wasted all my effort using up my Singlish quota in one single post. I wanted to shout "referee kayu", but then I saw the organiser was MICA. Aiyoh, gahmen body one, don't play play. They know where I live.

Of course I'm a sore loser - I'm Singaporean what, everything must win one! Otherwise must quickly form committee to brainstorm how we can beat the system.

Anyway, I'm guessing there were 3 reasons why I lost. (Three only lah! Lose already still want to think of 10??)

1) All these young'uns are so tech savvy, got those nifty gadgets and can work them as expertly as the prata man can throw his prata. Me, I only have a Stone Age Nikon which produces blur pictures on principle. (Of course it's the camera's fault! Are you saying it's mine?) Or maybe the organisers figured the iPod Touch would be lost on me.

2) These gahmen people got no sense of humour, very hung up on protocol one - I just mention Brands Essence of Chicken only they consider it product placement, kenah disqualified.

3) Once again, mummies are under appreciated - even in contest, we're underrepresented and not considered important enough. These people obviously never watch the movie The Mummy. Brandon Fraser keeps trying to eliminate them but MUMMIES ALWAYS COME BACK.

So sorry mothers, your faith in me was very touching but I end up still must cut coupons leh...