Learning to give thanks

In Singapore, it's not uncommon to see kids decked out in the latest fashions, carrying the newest tech gadgets, eating in five-star restaurants and going on holidays every year. I say this without any disdain. It's an inevitable outcome of having more financially secure and able parents. I know how irritating it is to be with people who can't spare 50 cents without giving a sanctimonious lecture about how in their time, they had to walk 2km to school and save their bus money for books. It's not the kids' fault that their parents are better off economically and want to shower them with the good life.

Having said that, one of the fall-outs of having a lot is that we tend to take things for granted or worse, think we're entitled to it all. I'm sure we've all heard of kids who say they'll die if they don't get the new computer game or all their friends have a certain toy. The implication is that they "need" the item because it's the norm or it's their right to have it.

Where do we parents draw the line? I think there's a need for balance. Most of the time, such dramatic declarations are gross exaggerations but a friend's daughter once told her mum that she was the only kid in class without a handphone and guess what, it turned out to be true. In such an incident, if I were the parent and feel that a handphone is not a necessity but I didn't want my child to feel like the odd one out, I'd give it to her on her birthday. Or maybe let her earn it, like do extra chores or practise the piano everyday for a month, etc. Nothing very difficult but enough to bring home the message that nice-to-have's should be earned. However, if it's something against my values, I won't compromise. Even if the day comes when every child in Singapore has a PSP or Xbox, my kids are not getting one. (Too bad, Andre!)

Not every nice-to-have has to be earned, though. Sometimes I see something nice and I’ll get it for my kids even though they don’t need it. But when that happens, my kids are surprised and grateful because they know it’s an extra.

Few things irk me more than seeing ungrateful children. I've seen kids toss aside a gift without so much as a second glance, maybe a half-hearted "thanks" if nudged by their parents. I'm not saying they have to be grovelly and over-profusely grateful when they're given anything. I'm talking about the basic understanding and awareness that somebody wanted to make them happy. There should at least be the grace to muster up a little appreciation.

This may seem old-fashioned but Kenneth and I always attribute gifts to others. Eg if a relative passes us a gift for our kids, if they weren't present at the time of the giving, we'll consciously tell them who it's from and they usually follow up with a thank-you call. It appears long-winded but we feel it drives home the message that the gift didn't just drop from the sky into their laps, it came from someone who thought of them specifically. You'll be surprised at how this little gesture works. Even years after, Lesley-Anne can tell me who gave her which toy or t-shirt. It just makes each item more meaningful.

We live in a culture of excess and this creates ingratitude or maybe more accurately, indifference. In a society where extras have become entitlement and moderation considered as deprivation, it's more important than ever to learn how to give thanks in everything.

"How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is
To have a thankless child!" - William Shakespeare (King Lear)

The value of money

Just the other day, Andre asked me, "Mummy, do you know what I want to be when I grow up?" "What?" "A millionaire."

My friend Eunice previously blogged about the importance of teaching our kids to manage money. I couldn't agree more. In our relatively affluent world, many kids these days have no awareness of how to manage money. Most of the time, the reason is simple: they have too much of it.

When Lesley-Anne was in p1, she packed food for recess, so we gave her a token 50cts a day. Since she hardly bought anything from the school canteen, it became more of a hassle than anything, trying to find the loose change and remembering to give it to her. After a while, we stopped bothering. But one day, when I casually mentioned this to a friend, she said, "If you don't give her money, she will never learn how to manage it."

The truth hit me like a ton of bricks. So from then on, pocket money to our kids was carefully calculated (not based on the going rate). We give our kids enough to buy a meal but they'll have to think about whether they want to spend the remaining amount on a drink (which I consider an extra since they bring water) or an extra snack or just to save it. But they won't be able to do all three. That's the principle of management - to plan what you want to do with the finite amount of resources you have. Too much or too little and there's no management involved.

Related to this is the value of money. I'm sure we've all read horror stories where kids chalk up atrocious bills on credit, spend beyond their means and expect their parents to bail them out. Even young adults spend like there's no tomorrow, without thought as to how they will pay off their debts.

And I will say this unequivocally, often it's the parents' fault. If you think, "oh, my kids will learn to manage money when they're older", think again. If they can't manage $2, they won't be able to manage $2,000. If you have always doled out money to feed your children's needs and wants, how would they have learnt to value money (or things for that matter)? It's not about whether you can afford it, whether you are rich or poor. It's about responsible parenting. It's about teaching your kids that money is a commodity that needs to be earned and should be used with thought.

Both Lesley-Anne and Andre have been trained to value money. If we enter a toy store, they know better than to badger me to buy something for them. My rule is that us parents will pay for necessities, extras come out of their own pockets except for the occasional treat that we initiate. Interestingly enough though, I've found that the value of money can differ from person to person simply based on differences in character. My sister and I were brought up the same way, but I'm much more careful with money, she's more liberal.

I'm seeing this trend with my kids - Lesley-Anne plans for the future, Andre lives for the moment. When I brought Andre to the bookstore, I told him I would only buy him one Beast Quest book, if he wanted more, he had to pay for them himself. Immediately, he said, "ok! I have $40. How many Beast Quest books can that buy?" I was a little miffed - somehow the point of valuing money is lost if he's so willing to part with it.

But then I thought about it and realised that it may not be such a bad thing. You see, Andre has a very generous spirit. Although he knows that money is valuable and cannot be wasted, he doesn't love money. If that sounds contradictory, it's not. The lesson here is that we need to value money, ie not treat it carelessly, but not love money, ie be consumed by it. Money is, at the end of the day, only the means to an end. The bible is full of verses which warn against the love of money, not because money in itself is evil but because the love of it can lead to many evil thoughts and deeds. Another friend once told me, "Saving money is not the same as hoarding money." Very perceptive.

In sociology, we learnt a simple truth: wealth is not defined by how much you have, but how little you want. The Nigerians are one of the poorest people in the world, but they are also the happiest.

"Whoever loves money never has money enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with his income. This too is meaningless." - Ecclesiastes 5:10

So it's a volatile balance we need to achieve - value money but don't love it. Simple to understand, hard to execute. Now we just have to teach it to our kids.

Big feet, little feet

No, these were not the pair of shoes cast in Jack Neo's movie Home Run, in which the kids had to wear worn-out school shoes because their parents were too poor to buy them new ones.

These belong to Lesley-Anne - they're in this state because her parents were too cheap to buy new ones and were hoping that she could make them last her final year in primary school. Alas, this was not to be. It's like hoping your final remaining piece of wrapping paper will be enough to wrap that very last Christmas present. There's a phrase for it - I think it's called Fat Hope.

You might think we're terrible parents but I know for a fact that this is a very common practice. It's part and parcel of being kiam siap in Singapore. Some primary school kids are inadvertent casualties of this phenomenon - p1 kids drowning in super-sized uniforms (far-sighted parents in anticipation of growth spurts) and p6 kids in fashionably short and faded uniforms (parents reluctant to buy new ones with just a year to go). Lesley-Anne says her classmate keeps tripping over her own feet because she's wearing shoes two sizes too big. So clearly, pragmatism trumps dignity with Singaporean parents.

Actually, Lesley-Anne has had a pretty good record in getting our money's worth when it comes to school supplies. She generally makes one pair of school shoes last at least an entire year, and they usually need to be replaced only because she has outgrown them, not because the shoes are spoilt. Andre is a whole different story, wearing out five pairs of shoes in two years. When he comes home from school, his shoes are usually in an appalling condition - scruffy and dirty. His excuse? It's hard to keep your shoes clean while playing soccer at recess.

Likewise, I had to replace his school uniforms within a year as most of them had pen marks (permanent, of course!) To be fair, he also couldn't fit into them anymore. When the year started, his school shorts were so loose that they sometimes fell off his hips when he ran. By the year's end, he had grown so tubby around the middle that he could barely button his shorts without cutting off his blood circulation. In comparison, you probably won't believe it when I tell you Lesley-Anne could still wear her p1 school uniform (still in pristine condition) when she was in p4.

Last year alone, Andre managed to rip four school bags. If Lesley-Anne's account is right, apparently some boys have found an ingenious way to avoid carrying their heavy bags - just kick them down the stairs. At one point, we threatened to make Andre carry his books in a plastic bag.

So anyway, back to Lesley-Anne's shoes. We lost the gamble on this one - she received spanking new school shoes over the weekend. Do you know if Jack Neo is making a sequel to Home Run? I'm happy to donate her old pair.

Top 10 expenses other parents never warned you about

Time for another Top 10 list!

Everybody knows having children is an expensive endeavour. But most new or would-be parents naively believe that their hard-earned money will go to useful things like diapers or clothes or transport, and that they have to save up for a university education.

Wow, are they in for a surprise! Sure, these things cost quite a lot but in reality, the biggest chunk of your precious paycheck won’t be going to these necessities. Long after you’ve completed paying for your kid’s time at Montessori, you’ll be dishing out dough for other stuff, sometimes unwittingly, even willingly.

So what are these curious items? Here is my Top 10 list of where a parent’s money really goes to:

1. Cartoon merchandise

TV is bad for your kids and not just for the reason you think. After your sons become hooked on Ben 10, they will need to live and breathe Ben 10, which means they will need the Ben 10 water bottle, Ben 10 shoes, Ben 10 t-shirt, Ben 10 figurines, and of course the Omnitrix ($49.95! And it doesn’t turn you into monsters or even tell time). Likewise for girls, they must have the Winx Club mini skirt, Winx Club colouring book, Winx Club stationery set, Winx Club lunchbox. And you thought watching tv was free.

2. Tutors

This one is a no-brainer. If you live in Singapore and have kids studying in the Singapore education system, chances are you have caved in to the tuition culture. A Straits Times poll of 100 kids in primary school to JC found that only 3 had no tuition at all (maybe these kids had parents who were tutors). If you’re an English speaking family, lagi worse – sure kenah Chinese tutor. I think half the Chinese nationals here made a beeline for Singapore just to give tuition to our jiak kantang kids. It’s an attractive proposition - primary school fees are only $5.50 a month, tuition is $40 per hour.

3. Tissue

Along with their cousins, paper napkins and kitchen towels. Name a kid who’s not usually wet or dirty or has something in his hands that’s wet or dirty. And if your kid is a boy, chances are he’s a dirt magnet. We have a box of tissue in every room in the house, as well as two in the car and numerous packs in the outing bag. Half the world’s rainforest was probably felled so we could have something convenient to wipe runny noses, sticky mouths and grubby hands. I bet all the people who own shares in Kleenex are parents.

4. Handphones, ipods and other thingamajigs

If you want to spot the newest handphone model or the coolest ipod, just look to teenagers. They’re never the ones who pay for it, but they carry the latest trends while mum and dad hang on to their relic Nokia. (To be fair, it's probably because mum and dad can't figure out how to work that new-fangled thingy). IT is the new fashion icon and since technology dates faster than the speed of light, your kids will be clammering to own the newest gadgets and gidgets to hit the market. My kids are not there yet but it's a ticking time bomb... this is their world.

5. Dentist

I was recently told by Adeline that a full set of braces can cost something like $8,000. To straighten teeth, for Pete’s sake! Of course my kids have wayward teeth, darn it. I’ve suggested to Lesley-Anne and Andre that they learn to smile without showing their bottom teeth so I only need to pay half. And God forbid if you need extra work, like root canals. Dentists must be the only people where we willingly offer money for pain. I imagine dentists and orthodontists hold conventions just to celebrate the rise of the national birth rate. Afterall, their mortgages and fancy cars were probably paid by parents.

6. Little toy cars

Ok, this one generally only applies to boys but they more than make up for it for the other gender. Before I had a son, I never understood why toy stores sold a gazillion different types of miniature vehicles. I mean, a toy car is a toy car, right? Boy, was I off the mark and by a whole different planet. Every boy needs the entire collection of convertibles, sedans, 4-wheel drives, diggers, trucks, vans, buses, taxis and in EVERY SINGLE COLOUR. I would name more except I’m hampered by my limited transportation vocabulary. At the height of his craze, Andre had almost 150 little vehicles and he still complained he didn’t have “the Hong Kong taxi in blue”. By the way, the male species never outgrows this phase – the cars just get bigger.

7. Popular Bookstore

This one I’m naming specifically because it’s not just any bookshop. If studies are to be believed, bookstores in Singapore are a dying business because people are reading less and less. But Popular Bookstore sells books as an afterthought – they’re really all about assessment books and stationery, and that’s a clever business plan if I ever saw one. I have never seen parents so happy to part with their money as they cart off piles of assessment books with the hope that their blur kids will become geniuses overnight. Stationery? Another thing that requires constant replenishment. I’m convinced there’s a Bermuda Triangle somewhere in my living room where erasers, pencils and rulers inexplicable disappear.

8. Correction tape

You might think huh? Correction tape? Which probably means you don’t have in kid older than 8. When students first start using pens in school, usually at p3, they get all excited about leaving their babyish pencils behind. I used to think, good! No more hunting for erasers. Little did I know what Pandora's box I'd opened. Remember the old days when we had to colour on the white paint and wait for it to dry? Now, you just roll it on in a neat white strip, no drying needed. But naturally technology comes at a cost. I buy correction tape by the 6-pack and these last a month if I’m lucky, JUST FOR LESLEY-ANNE. I imagine correction tape companies must cheer when worksheets and test papers are difficult because the kids have to keep correcting their mistakes.

9. Batteries

You'd think it’s the toy that empties your wallet but you’re highly mistaken – it’s the 20,000 batteries you have to keep buying to keep that darn remote control car going. I think toy makers conspire with battery makers to produce toys that suck up battery fluid faster than Andre can polish off a chocolate milkshake. And it’s not just toys – it’s watches, calculators, e-dictionaries and anything else with moving parts. When my kids get Christmas or birthday presents, these three little words strike fear in my heart: Batteries Not Included.

10. Ikea

Another store I’m naming. They’re so clever, these folks at Ikea. Everything is bright and colourful and enticing and with an innocent looking price-tag. With a personal membership book for your little one, big playroom and even kids’ trolleys, you think this is kids heaven. A three-legged lime green stool? Sure! Finger puppets? Why not! Before you know it, you have signed for the delivery of a trundle bed because of its cute giraffe appliqués, along with the matching orange wardrobe that looks like it emerged from some psychedelic cartoon. And we can even have Swedish meatballs before we leave! You know their tagline “You don’t have to be rich to be clever”? They’re probably right because once we enter the store, our IQ drops about 50 points.


I’m as much a victim of these nefarious individuals and companies as the next parent. But it’s a free market and I can’t really complain. Nobody forced me to buy all that stuff right? I just think that the gahmen should get these parties to contribute to the Baby Bonus – afterall, when couples have more children, they’re the ones laughing all the way to the bank.

Telling time and counting money... in time for p1

A friend mentioned in passing the need to teach her son how to tell time before he entered p1 next year. I thought I'd recount how I helped Andre manage the two things that most parents would agree are critical when starting school - how to tell time and count money.

Please note this post is not going to tell you HOW to teach the two things (what? am I a teacher now??) I'm just going to tell you how I helped Andre MANAGE the two issues (which is a nice way of saying that he wasn't very good at them when he started school, haha).

The funny thing is that both topics are in the p1 syllabus but yet the kids are expected to know them before starting p1, for pragmatic reasons. Discounting the maths whizzes, many kids find the concept of time and money a little confusing. This is because at that age, the maths they're more familiar with generally deals with numbers in a linear fashion, starting from 1. Neither time nor money handles numbers this way (well, money does but it's more complicated because you have to think about the decimals).

When it comes to time, the 60-minute hour concept is complex. Most kids can manage the hour and half-hour concepts but the minutes are tricky. Andre only grasped this concept fully when he learned the 5 times tables, then Kenneth taught him how to count in 5 minute intervals. It was quite effective. Motivation helps - another mother said if you tell your kid, "20 minutes before you can watch tv!" or "half an hour later, I'll give you a piece of chocolate", he'll catch on pretty quickly. Actually, you'll find that telling time isn't that critical a skill in the beginning anyway, ie the kids are herded like sheep to all their classes. Unless, like another mother reminded me, your kid wants to know how many more minutes till recess. LOL. And even then, the solution is simple - get a digital watch lor.

As for money, we tried to teach Andre before he started school but he found all the cents confusing. When you've only learnt how to count to 100 and add single digits mentally, 65 cents minus 25 cents is way complicated. It also took him a while to apply the concept of 100 cents = $1, ie how much change to get back if you give $1 and the item costs 40 cents? After a few sessions of playing shop (and disastrous change-giving), we decided it would be easier to just give Andre his pocket money in 10-cent denominations. So if the item costs 50 cents, it's just 5 coins. Simple.

Another solution I noticed that parents frequently used was to give their kids $1 coins or $2 notes. Since almost nothing in a primary school canteen costs over $2, the kid just hands over the note and trusts the auntie to give back the correct change. Of course it's ideal if the child actually knows how much change he should get, but he'll figure it out eventually.

The first day of school, we packed a snack for Andre and because parents were allowed on Day 1, we watched him dutifully sit down with his buddy at recess and eat his snack. On Day 2, relishing his new-found freedom, he marched up to the ice-cream stall and said "I want the colourful ice-cream." Later, he happily told me the auntie had said, "Very good, you know what you want!" Within the first week, he had bought French fries, crackers and even a can of 100Plus from the vending machine. This last one, he bought because it was the only drink in a can and he thought it was like Coke (soft drinks are forbidden in our home). He was so short he even had to enlist his buddy's help to put in the coins for him. I'm not sorry to admit that I laughed mercilessly at him when he told me it tasted funny.

So I will say this, if your kid is a greedy gut like mine, nothing will stop him from getting his snacks. Not being able to count money is but a minor inconvenience.