How to be a fair-weathered friend

My recent post about friends elicited some interesting comments about friendship, which got me thinking. There are many quotes about friends and how true friends are the ones who are there for you during the bad times. But to me, I think another important (perhaps more important) measure of a good friend is one who can rejoice in your good times.

I don't mean having fun together, I mean friends who are genuinely happy for your good fortune, especially when they don't enjoy the same blessings. I've come to realise that for many people, it's far easier to be sad with you when you're down than to rejoice with you when you're up. I attribute this to the very competitive landscape in Singapore, where success and value seem to be measured largely by material wealth and tangible achievements in comparison to our neighbours.

I was always vaguely aware of this. I'd heard of people who were always comparing how much they earned, the types of jobs they held, what brand of handbags they carried, even how rich their husbands were. That never happened to me, I was fortunate to have down-to-earth, relatively easy-going friends. I think it was because I never moved around in those social circles and I roll my eyes when I hear such stories. I'm pretty much anti-class, even till today.

Things changed when I became a parent. I began to realise that while friends can maintain a non-competitive relationship, it gets more difficult when it comes to their kids. It's easy to empathise with your friends' kids who are struggling in school but hard to be happy for those whose kids seem to sail through, even more so when our own kids are the ones who are struggling.

Commenting on Lilian's post, QX mentioned that a mother openly broke into a big grin when she realised that her daughter did better than QX's. In another instance, while exchanging news with a close friend, QX shared how her daughter did well in a national competition. Instead of congratulations, her friend's face turned serious and tried to find out details of participating in such competitions.

I've personally encountered such situations as well. Once, I was chatting with friends and it emerged that Lesley-Anne was in GEP. There was an awkward silence and the husband, tellingly, changed the subject. Later, his wife told me casually that even if her son got into GEP, she wouldn't let him join the programme because it's very stressful. I nearly laughed out loud because these two parents are possibly the most competitive people I know and they drive their son very hard academically.

This was by no means an isolated incident. I don't know why it has to be this way. I mean, I'm not expecting friends to fawn over me and gush over how wonderful Lesley-Anne is, that's just silly. But when I'm greeted by surliness, I start feeling like I have to be apologetic, as if my child being smart somehow diminishes yours. And then to soothe the parent's ego, I normally find myself bringing up my exasperation over Andre, as if that somehow compensates for Lesley-Anne's abilities. It's utter nonsense! Yet it has become something of a defence mechanism for me.

I think it's the scarcity mentality together with the competitive environment. Our kids can't just be good, they have to be better than somebody (preferably somebody we know!) Our kids have become a projection of our own insecurities and competitiveness. It's not without its side effects, you know. I think that's a huge reason why many kids themselves have internalised this unhealthy competitiveness, obsessing over 1 mark on a test paper, setting up their classmates as rivals, angst-ing when they lose and gloating when they win. All in all, not very attractive or likeable children. Are these really the people you want your kids to be?

Back to friendships. Lilian and I are kindred spirits, especially during this period when we're undergoing the DSA ordeal together. But I did wonder, let's say Brian was a girl, our kids were applying to the same schools and Lilian's was successful at DSA and Lesley-Anne wasn't, would I be genuinely happy for her? Or would I be bitter and envious? I'd like to believe that I would be magnanimous enough to be the former but I'll never know for sure (and I'm glad!) Jealousy is a powerful emotion to battle.

So maybe the term "fair-weathered friend" is something of a misnomer. It's not that easy to rejoice in a friend's good fortune. If you have friends who can be sad when you're sad AND glad when you're glad, then you're truly blessed. But you know, perhaps it's up to us to first be that friend.