If music be the food of love, play on!

Recently, I had a chat with a mum whose daughter was taking piano lessons but didn't seem to be very interested. She would drag her feet when it came to lesson time and hardly practised except when her mum nagged her to do so. Her mum was contemplating letting her stop her piano lessons but was undecided and wanted to know my views.

On the surface, this appears to be a no-brainer - no interest, stop. But having taken piano lessons for over 10 years and given some piano lessons here and there, my experience tells me that the situation is slightly more complex than it seems. You see, learning to play an instrument involves HARD WORK. After the initial euphoria of being able to play a tune dies down, having to spend hours at the piano hammering away at the same old piece just to get it right can be tedious and at times, downright frustrating. So after a couple of years, the motivation to practise tends to wane and you'll find that your kid seems to have lost interest.

The truth is, very few kids, safe for your music prodigies, enjoy practising. My personal opinion is that learning an instrument requires more patience than say dance or sports because the progress tends to be slower and the practice portion not as enjoyable. So what you deem as a lack of interest in music could just be a lack of interest in practising, the latter of which probably applies to 99% of kids.

When I was in primary school, many of my classmates took up piano lessons. By p6, about half of them have dropped out. I begged my mother to let me do the same because the lessons and practising were eating into my leisure time. Basically, I wanted to have more time to play. Being the authoritarian mum, she said "no". And looking back, I thank God she made that decision because in truth, I love music, I love being able to play the piano, and it has given me many hours of enjoyment.

What all this has taught me is that when our kids claim to have "lost interest" in music, dig deeper into what they're saying and don't be too quick to take it at face value. I often hear adults saying they regret giving up music lessons when they were younger and wished their parents had forced them to continue. Would you want your child to look back years from now and think the same thing? It's not a clearcut decision, so my suggestions on what you can do are as follows.

First, examine what it is that your child doesn't like. Is it the practising? Or the exams? Or is it really the music itself? If it's the last one, then by all means, let him stop lessons. But my feeling is that often, you can't really tell, especially at the early stage. For both my kids, I tell them that they have to learn until Grade 5 (although they need not take exams at every grade before that). To me, Grade 5 is like the PSLE. It's a milestone, albeit an artificial one. It certifies that you have reached a certain level of maturity and understanding in the subject. Once you have reached Grade 5, you would be better able to assess your true feelings about music or the instrument. (Coincidentally, when I was talking to Lesley-Anne's ballet teacher, she said the same thing about ballet - only at Grade 5 can kids really make the call as to whether they enjoy dancing).

Lesley-Anne has been on the fence about music for a few years, her true passion is ballet. But she dutifully followed through her lessons until she passed her Grade 5 exams in both theory and practical last year. I, of course, had always hoped that she would continue because she's very musical, but since I had told her I would leave the decision to her beyond Grade 5, I had to respect that. So when the results for the Grade 5 theory came back, I asked her what she had decided (with bated breath). She said she had thought about it and decided she would continue learning, but without exams. Hallelujah! Can you tell I'm pleased? And once she had taken ownership of that decision, I found that she now practises more on her own.

Andre is now at the Grade 2 level and starting to be lazy about practising. He says he doesn't like exams and I'm willing to let him skip a few, but the Grade 5 rule still holds.

You can also try other ways of keeping the interest going, like ensuring that your child's teacher makes lessons fun. Taking exams every year can put a dampener on interest because most of the time is spent on exam preparation rather than enjoyment of the music, so one possibility is to minimise exams. You can read my earlier post on my kids' music experiences.

Letting your kid learn music (or anything for that matter) is a commitment that your kid has to agree to. I feel, and this is again only my opinion, that if you feel the interest is not there to begin with or your child won't be able to put in the requisite time, then DON'T START. Otherwise, you'll be caught in the dilemma later as to whether to force him to continue against his wishes or allow him to quit, which sends the negative message that quitting is ok when things get difficult or boring. Once your child understands and agrees to the commitment of having lessons, do persevere even if at times, it may be tough going. That's how you build resilience and determination.