Wednesday, October 21, 2009

English composition part 5 (Andre's)

I've been talking a lot about Lesley-Anne's compositions so I think it's time to post another of Andre's. Since his last half-hearted attempt at writing one at home, I've not asked him to write another. I just got tired of nagging him and I realised that the forced assignments weren't bearing much fruit anyway.

But can escape mum, can't escape teacher! He's had to write a couple as part of his homework and I thought this one was worth a post. This was the picture he had to write about, sorry it's not very clear.

This was what he wrote:

"Hurray! Hurray!" "The exams are over!" the students at Sunshine school shouted. Mary was so happy that the exams were over. She was so proud of herself because she got full marks for all subjects. Mary rushed back home.

When she was on her way home, she thought, "Mum will be so proud of me, I can't wait to get home." When Mary was walking along her corridor, she noticed a man acting suspiciously. "Oh no, the strange man is trying to break into my neighbour's house! I must warn Mum quickly."

Mary quickly and quitely went into her house and immediatly ran shrait to her mother. "Mum! Mum! I saw a man trying to break into our neighbours house!" she said. "Oh no, quick, we must call the police at once!" Mum replied. Mary nodded and rang the police.

By the time the man was coming out of the house, the police were here. The police caught the man red-handed.

The man mumbled, "The police are here, I'm done for!"

The man tried to run as fast as he could, but the police caught up with him. The police pulled the man down to the ground and handcuffed him.

"Wait! I can explain, OW!"

The police ignored the man and took him to the police station.

Mary's mother was indeed proud of Mary. Her mother praised Mary for being vigilant. Mum gave her thumbs up and hugged her. Mary was so happy because she did a good deed by staying alert.

Ok, so there are quite a few holes in the plot and the grammar is questionable but I was rather heartened by his effort, it's an improvement from his earlier attempt. Forgive a mother's partiality but I quite enjoyed reading it because his use of dialogue was so animated it made me laugh. Can you tell he has been reading copious amounts of TinTin and Calvin & Hobbes?

More importantly, he didn't drag his feet to write this! He finished this piece of work without whining and without my prompting, which is an achievement in itself. Feeling encouraged, I asked him, "Do you enjoy writing more now?"

The instant and matter of fact answer: "No."

Ah well, one step at a time. I can dream, can't I?


HLin said...

Hi Auntie Monica,

I think his composition is quite good for a primary 3! I like this sentence especially-"Wait! I can explain, OW!" because it fits the reality perfectly. Also, I feel that he is very creative to think of this sentence because this sentence wouldn't come out in those mundane model compositions. This shows that he is very smart and creative and is blessed with a gift of writing. Maybe one day he would write as well as Lesley-Anne!

Keep it up, Andre!


Lilian said...

WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!!! I'm so impressed Andre! You used such big words like vigilant, suspiciously and apt phrases like red-handed. And the story was coherent and had very interesting dialogue too. How did you get so good so quickly?! Very (x100) impressed with your progress :) WELL DONE!

monlim said...

Thanks for the enouragement!! Err, Lilian... I think those words could have been helping words provided. Either that or he's been imbibed with too many Civil Defence messages :D

breve1970 said...

Yah... Mon. Don't know why you complain about Andre's writing skills. Its a very commendable piece of work.

Good vocabulary too! (he spelt "suspiciously" and "vigilant" correctly). Well done, Andre!!!

ps: Think you didn't get my earlier comment. :).

monlim said...

Thanks Ann! It's not fantastic lah, but it's an improvement. Didn't get any other comments from you, Blogger has been a little wonky lately :P

Anonymous said...

I notice something interesting. I reckon "Sunshine School" is his original idea? Then it says alot about his mindset. Keep it up, Andre!


Anonymous said...

Very interestingly written!! I love it! I was already half asleep at this hour, but after reading this, I'm wide awake and am smiling to myself while typing this...

Mon, he is defintitely a good writter!

Keep this up Andre!!


naggo-nitemare said...

I totally agree with you tt our kids should be encouraged to write compos in their own style n creativity.

My son's GEP eng teacher frowns upon compos tt starts with a sound eg 'Ring!' or 'Bang!' etc and he is v against compos tt end with idioms. He wants character developments, gd plots, gd descriptions, in fact, all the ingredients tt make compos a joy to read.

Unfortunately, i found out from a neighbour who is in the mainstream, who boasted tt her class does at least 1 compo a week (vs my son's mere 6 including the exam piece this entire sch year), and tt her compos w/c always end with an idiom and is always peppered with the usual cliched phrases and plots, gets graded highly.

tt got me wondering if the GEP pupils whose PSLE compos are to be marked by mainstream eng teachers, whether all their char dev n setting descriptions etc and lack of idiom endings/std cliched phrases will mean a lower grade as compared to a mainstream std model compo.

After agonising over this the past term, i decided to let my son develop his own style his own way, the way Leslie-Anne does, by not sending him to compo tuition classes. He too scored a distinction for the NSW Writing competition. So I guess his GEP eng teacher knows a thing or two after all. Leslie-Anne writes WAY better than my son, so i know for sure his teacher gets all the credit for this achievement.

monlim said...

Thanks QX and Chris! Yup, Sunshine school is probably his utopian idea of school, where you can get full marks in every subject and come home to catch a burglar :D

NN: I know what you're saying. I too, struggle with doubts that even as I let my kids develop their own writing styles, whether they will be penalised in national exams by not following the local norm of using cliches because examiners look for that. Think we just have to remind ourselves that creativity is what's really important in writing. Congrats on your son's UNSW distinction!

Anonymous said...

I'm another one who did not want to send my gal for composition class too. I have the exact sentiment as you, Mon.

My older gal English teacher was a nice teacher. She adviced me to send my older gal for composition class after the mid year exam because she was concerned that her style of writing may not be accepted by local teachers here. She said it was too American style, with American slang that the local may not appreciate/understand.

I told my hb about it, he too agreed that we should just let her develope her own style. But, we did highlight to her to use a little less American slang. I believed she did listen to us because she got the highest score for her SA2. *LOL*


Veronica_L said...

Wait, I can explain...OW!

Very good, Andre. I absolutely loved that compo. The behaviour of everyone was just SO Andre! Read more Calvin & Hobbes, it's OK.

I was impressed!!! KEEP IT UP ANDRE!!!

monlim said...

Thanks Veronica!

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