Top 10 children's disorders in desperate need of cures

On Saturday, there was an article in the Straits Times about a little-known disorder called selective mutism, where a child who is normally chatty at home, completely clams up in specific situations, usually schools or in public, and this doesn't improve with time.

I'm sure that if this had occurred 20 years ago, the child would simply be considered "shy". In fact, I had a discussion with a girl friend several weeks back on why there appears to be a proliferation of children's disorders in modern times, whether:

1. these conditions had always existed and are just being discovered today due to increasing awareness and research
2. there are indeed kids with more disorders these days due to a global change in lifestyle and environment
3. we are just trying to create more labels to cater to kids who don't fit nicely into any of the recognised categories

I don't know. And I have no wish to make a judgement call because I'm pretty sure I will get hantam-ed by people who are for the other camps. So I'm taking the cop-out route by saying, "I think it's a combination of all three." There! Everyone happy?

But one thing I'm certain of is that with human beings exhibiting such an impossibly vast spectrum of behaviours and personalities, no matter what new condition you come up with, there will inevitably be some kid who has those symptoms. So I decided to come up with my own fictitious Top 10 list of children's disorders, complete with acronyms (what's a disorder without an acronym??), garnered from years of observing my two young 'uns and other children.

1. Selective Attention Deficit (SAD) Disorder

The ability to sit unmoving for two hours in front of X-Men, but not being able to focus on maths for 10 minutes.

2. Memory Aptitude Deficiency (MAD) Malady

The ability to remember every line of an advertisement jingle they heard a year ago, with accompanying gestures, but not what their teacher had told them earlier that day.

3. Lack Of Sensory Tracking (LOST) Syndrome

The tendency to lose water bottles, lunch boxes, books, files and stationery in school without the slightest inkling of how it happened.

4. Broken Channel Disorder (BCD)

The inability to adjust one's volume so it's constantly tuned to LOUD, particularly when there's a need to ask questions like "MUMMY, WHY IS THAT MAN SO FAT?"

5. Snot Magnet Syndrome (SMS)

Afflicts 5 times more boys than girls. The magical ability to attract dirt, dust and anything resembling snot, coupled with the uncontrollable desire to spread these to different crevices in the body.

6. Sound Origination Syndrome (SOS)

Afflicts 50 times more boys than girls. The ability to fart, burp and create a musical assortment of noises from every body part at will.

7. Total and Irrational Regression in Energy Disorder (TIRED)

The sudden and puzzling drop in energy level, often triggered by the tutor pressing the doorbell.

8. Blasted Bladder and Bowel (BBB) Malady

The strange and instant urge to pee or poop the minute they've left a place with a clean and available toilet, despite having been asked 10 times before, "Do you need to go?"

9. Monosyllable Muttering Syndrome (MMS)

The obsessive and highly annoying use of mono-syllabic answers to probing questions, like "yah", "no" and "mmm". Sometimes improvement may be observed in the upgrade to two syllables - "ok".

10. Hard uf Hearing (HUH?) Syndrome

The ability to hear the opening of a packet of potato chips two rooms away but not their mothers standing next to them, yelling at them to do their homework.


Efforts to find cures for these disorders have so far been in vain, despite modern scientific breakthroughs. So if your kids have any of these disorders, best of luck to you!!

Disclaimer: I am not trivialising real children's disorders. If you are offended by this post, then perhaps you're suffering from the Humour Deficiency Type V (HDTV) Disorder - please seek help.