Are you a key?

Let me first ask an obtuse question: As a parent, are you a key?

At first glance, it would seem like a good thing, being a key. After all, a key opens many things. "Key" is often used to describe things of importance - "the key to the problem" or "the key principle", for instance. Many parents would, indeed, consider themselves "keys" in their relationship with their kids in that they are a central part of their kids' lives.

I thought long and hard about an analogy and I used this one because a key appears to be significant in a positive way. But being a key is not always a good thing. The problem is that if we as parents are keys, it means that our children are locks or doors or whatever that need keys to function (ok! ok! my analogy is a little clumsy, but hear me out).

In my observation of parents, I found that some have turned themselves into the Master Key, meaning they control fully the actions of their children. They have made their kids so dependent on them that by themselves, their kids are completely unable to achieve anything, even function as a human being. Haven't you ever met these parents? Their kids are unable to do anything for themselves. In fact, some of them, when they've grown up, are unable to hold down a job and continue to sponge off their parents.

Parents who are keys often appear to be loving parents because they dote on their kids, wait on them hand and foot, and meet their every need (and more). I have seen teenagers who've never taken the bus on their own, who recklessly squander their parents' money, who wouldn't be able to iron a handkerchief if their lives depended on it.

Beneath the veneer of what these parents call love, I believe is a deeper issue - one of insecurity. Whether conscious or sub-conscious, raising dependent children reflects on parents' more insidious fears that they will one day not be needed, so they strive to be indispensable in their kids' lives.

When I was heading a corporate communications department at a local university, I came across this quote which stuck with me:

"The function of leadership is to produce more leaders, not more followers." - Ralph Nader

An insecure leader only breeds followers because he is afraid of being overtaken. The true leader who cares about the development of his people and is secure in his own ability grooms more leaders so they can better contribute. In the same way, an insecure parent raises reliant kids so that his own position might not be threatened. A secure parent, on the other hand, raises independent children who will be able to look after themselves and others in the future.

I'm not saying all parents who molly-coddle their kids are just selfish at heart. I know some parents who do everything for their kids because they're overly anxious over their kids' safety and are afraid that something bad will happen to them. Others just think that their kids are incapable of doing things for themselves (in their hearts, their kids will always be their babies, whether they're 5 or 25).

To the first group, I say, if you don't ever let anything happen to your kids, the problem is nothing ever will. Your kid will probably live a safe life but it's hardly a life. To the second group, I say, don't underestimate your kids! They're probably capable of so much more, if only you'll let them try, maybe fall down a few times. It doesn't mean you love them any less. In fact, you're probably showing that you love them more.

I wrote this post because I have too often, come across many parents (across generations) who are keys. And it bugs me to see so many kids who are not growing up to be edifying members of society. I know, I know, you can't blame parents for everything. But hopefully we can do our part to gently steer our kids on the right track.

Sorry this post has turned out to be somewhat of a sermon. So I'll end with the same question: Are you a key? I hope your answer is no.