Brothers and sisters

During the week of the PSLE oral exams, Lesley-Anne had an event that kept her late in school everyday. By the time she reached home, it would be way past Andre's bedtime, so the two of them hardly saw each other.

The night before Andre's oral exam, Lesley-Anne called home from school at 8.45pm and asked to speak to him. She gave him some tips, assured him that he would be fine and said that she was praying for him. After the call, I could tell that Andre was very comforted and much more at ease.

I thought it was a lovely gesture. Lesley-Anne is definitely a better big sister than I ever was and it reflected the close relationship between the siblings. When Lesley-Anne went on a one-week OBS trip earlier this year, Andre moped around like a lost puppy and was terribly upset if he missed her call at night.

There's just something very special about sibling relationships. There are few people you will count on more or share the most private secrets with than a close sibling. With my kids, I made a conscious decision very early on that I would try and help them achieve this bond. It doesn't come naturally (in fact, sibling rivalry is probably more intuitive), it's a deliberate effort. I won't pretend to be an expert but common sense tells me that there are a few things you can do, like treat all your kids fairly, praise them for efforts to help each other and never pit one against another.

One of the statements I made a point of never telling Lesley-Anne is, "Give in to him, he's younger." I used to resent that as a child, I had to give in to my younger sister simply based on something as random as birth order and it created a lot of disharmony (happily, my sister and I are great friends now). Likewise, don't tell your younger child something like, "Korkor gets to choose first because he's older." Where's the logic in that? Much better to say, "This time he gets to choose first, next time is your turn." For most kids, fairness is very important.

Don't be misled into thinking that my kids never fight. Of course they do, I've not met any siblings who don't. Some of their arguments get so heated that they degenerate into physical brawls. I have learned to tune out the "Mummy, she hit me!" "No, he hit me first!" allegations. My philosophy is, if you start the fight, you end it. Don't involve me. If you do, there's a likelihood that everybody will get punished for disrupting my computer time.

Fights between the two of them are inevitable, considering they're so different in almost every way possible. However, I have come to realise that their differences are a blessing in disguise as they actually reduce sibling rivalry. If you notice, sibling rivalry tends to be strongest among same-sex children close in age with similar preferences or abilities. It's natural cos it's you tend to compare kids who are similar. And as parenting book author Elizabeth Fishel said, "Comparison is a death knell to sibling harmony."

Basically, we need to show our kids that we love each of them equally for who they are and accept that every child has his or her own talents. Correct mistakes without making them feel like they don't match up to a sibling. When kids feel secure and unthreatened by others, they will naturally be more open to sharing their space and more willing to celebrate their siblings' successes.

We tell our kids to support each other in their endeavours and we follow this up by bringing Andre to Lesley-Anne's concerts, and Lesley-Anne to Andre's badminton matches. They cheer each other on and are genuinely happy for the other person's achievements.

If you want more tips on how to promote sibling affection, there are many online articles available. Here's one (the first article in the link) which I quite like - it's succinct and practical.

"There is a little boy inside the man who is my brother... Oh, how I hated that little boy. And how I love him too." - Anna Quindlan