Forever 36 and 5 observations about ageing

Last weekend, I celebrated my birthday. Not gonna reveal how old I am except that I'm forever 36.

When you're a kid, birthdays are milestones to look forward to. You wish for stuff like, grow a little taller perhaps. Able to take public bus by yourself. Done with PSLE year. And for the less forward-looking, more presents! Once you're an adult and have kids of your own, the milestones tend to centre around your kids. First tooth! First steps! First word! Done with that dang PSLE!

Then when you reach a certain *ahem* age, you become less ambitious ("Let my wrinkles not show in my birthday photos"). You suddenly wish for birthdays to be less eventful and have fewer milestones. Cos the milestones tend to be more alarming and catch you totally by surprise. Like you step on a scale and realise with a shock that's the first time you've gone over a certain number. Or the first time you discover that white hair isn't limited to the hair on your head.

But hey, that's the universe's way of saying, "Surprise! Happy birthday, my old pal!" So in the spirit of graceful ageing, here are five observations I've made about growing older:

1) Eyesight 

One of the first signs of ageing is deteriorating eyesight. Suddenly, words on a page can't come into focus, even after you've blinked furiously. When you're trying to take a photo, you think your phone automatically engaged a soft filter with blurring effect. Oh wait, it's just your eyes.

I've given up reading the fine print on menus. Not sure if I'll be getting avocados or asparagus. When I play Farm Heroes Saga on my phone, I sometimes have to ask Andre to tell me many strawberries I'm missing. I tell my writers to submit drafts to me in Point Size 12. Any smaller than that and they're asking for it.

You know what really annoys me? These measuring cups for medicine:

The markings are etched without colour on the cup. How the heck do they expect optically-challenged seniors to pour out our meds in the right amount? Do we need to paint a black backdrop on the kitchen wall just so we can contrast the dang cup against it? Idiots.

The solution is simple but troublesome. Lao hua glasses. I buy them from Daiso - they're cheap and you can change the degree according to how quickly your eyesight degenerates. I buy multiple pairs and put them in almost every room at home, partly because I often can't remember where I last left them. There have been instances when I'm holding a pair in my hands, yelling, "Where are those glasses?!" But that's a different problem with ageing.

2) White hair

When your hair decides that it's lost its will to pigmentise and will go au naturale. I've actually had white sprouts before I was 30 but those were the rogue ones. Once I hit 40, it became a mass contingent. So much so that I gave up going to the salon to colour my hair - it was too frequent and took up too much time. I just diy with store-bought hair dye every month or so.

My friend recently recounted to me how she was asked twice within a week by supermarket cashiers whether she had the senior citizen card. She's the same age as I am. Which probably explains the extreme indignation I expressed towards the impertinence of these supermarket aunties. How dare they! I've known this friend since we were best friends in primary 1, so we still think of each other as spring chickens prancing around in our pinafores.

"It's probably cos of all my white hair," my friend shrugged. She has no issues with ageing. Apparently I do, because I then made a quiet resolve to be more diligent in my hair colouring.

3) Exercise

When you're in your 20s and 30s, exercise involves hitting the courts for a sweaty game of tennis or jumping in tune to an hour of aerobics. I used to stare unabashedly at elderly folks wearing bright orange caps and shorts, swinging their arms vigorously while walking, like they're trying to karate chop flies. Now I get it. The neon orange is cos they can't see anyone - they need people to see them. And you become a little limited in the type of exercise you can do when anything can potentially injure a joint, a bone, a muscle.

Talking about injuries, when you're younger, you ache after a marathon session of badminton. Or an ultra challenging workout at the gym. Now, I can get a neck ache from simply turning too quickly when checking my blind spot in the car. And I have to whip out that Salonpas for my aching shoulder after sleeping in one position all night. I have a permanent crick in my knees, an ache in my right hip, and the soles of my feet hurt when I walk too much. Talk about less ambitious physical goals.

4) Wet and dry

One of the (many) annoying things about ageing is that parts of you that are supposed to be moist become dry and parts that are supposed to be dry become moist. My skin, for instance. It has always been reasonably cooperative - a little oily in parts but nothing that some blotting paper can't fix. Now, makeup that has looked good on me for years settle into fine likes and cake up like bad fondant. I've succumbed to the Curse of Mature Skin. Gah.

Meanwhile, my eyes and nose have gone the opposite route - tearing and dripping for no apparent reason other than to irritate the hell out of me. The only bright side I can see to this is that when you enter the train blinking and sniffling, people move away from you faster than a speeding bullet.

5) Body shape

When I was a kid, people probably thought I was anorexic. Stick-thin and I could eat whatever I wanted. My body type was pretty kind to calories. A few decades later, I'm paying for the wanton dietary disregard. My metabolic rate has slowed to a crawl. I merely have to look at a curry puff and I can feel my midriff expanding.

Last year, I decided that swimming would be my sport of choice, since it's kinder on the joints. I went to Decathlon to look for a swim shirt. The women's selection was all shaped something like this:

Concave in the middle cos presumably that's the female shape. Female shape, my foot. I tried one on and OMG, I looked like a bak chang. My middle section is where I'm BIGGEST, not smallest. In the end, I bought a swim shirt from the men's selection.

I have become a lot more realistic in my goal-setting. No more "get thinner" or "get back my waistline" nonsense. At my age, it's about maintaining (if you think it couldn't get any worse, yes it can).

If I can still fit into the same clothes a birthday from now, that's a worthy achievement. Then maybe I can celebrate with a curry puff.

Advent calendar version 2

Last year, I wrote about the Advent calendar I made for my kids. If you are wondering what an Advent calendar is and how it works, do read that post so I don't have to repeat it here. I'm not doing one for my kids this year, it's a lot of effort and I think they've outgrown the novelty anyway.

But for those who might be interested in making one (and I do encourage it as it's loads of fun for the kids), I thought I'd share the one I did for 2008. Again, feel to copy the rhymes but you'll need to change the ones that are specific to my family, like references to Ben 10 which Andre was crazy about last year.

Last year, I didn't use all Christmas related words (this was my third year doing it so I was running out of ideas!) Plus Lesley-Anne was older and the rhymes were getting too simple for her. So I turned some of them into riddles instead.

Once again, the first letter of the answer to the rhyme spells out a sentence, in this case "May love and peace be with you". To give it added difficulty, I didn't give out the clues in the order listed here, they were jumbled up with no. 22 actually given out on the last day of Advent (24 Dec). So after the kids got all the clues, they had to rearrange the letters to form the correct sentence.

I'm just listing the letters in the correct sequence here so you can see the final sentence. Hope that explanation isn't too confusing!

1. Maths

It gives you many headaches
When you can’t work it out
But when you finally solve them
There’s much to shout about!

2. Asterix

A funny little sign
A funny little man
He has many wild adventures
Stop laughing if you can!

3. Yelsel

Button a as bright
She is ballerina a
Thing right the does always
We are her of proud

4. Leprechaun

A little green creature
Found in Ireland I’m told
He looks for ends of rainbows
To hide his pots of gold

5. Open Sesame

Ali said this
So did Daffy
When they said this
They got plenty

6. Verb

It’s not a singer but it sings
It’s not a telephone but it rings
It does a lot of actions
But it is not a thing

7. Exams

These things are such a nuisance
These things you really detest
But when they’re all over
You’ll be glad you tried your best

8. Andre

Zip-a-dee-do-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay
A cute and clever dragon
Please always stay that way

9. Nikko

We really loved this place
Even though it was freezing
The udon warmed us up
It was really very pleasing

10. Daddy (this is a repeat of the one I shared last year, the actual D word I used refers to a specific person so I prefer not to share it here. Just create your own!)

Sometimes he’s smiley
Sometimes he’s not
But whether he is or isn’t
He sure loves you a lot

11. Pie

It comes in many flavours
Like chicken and apple crumble
But the one that tastes bad
Is the one that’s called humble

12. Egg

Hard or soft
Fried is best
Yummy whichever way
Just don’t get it for your test

13. Angels

We never see them
But we know they’re there
God sent them to protect us
To show how much He cares

14. Cannonbolt

He rolls up like a ball
I made him dance some Russian
If he hits some big monster
The monster gets a concussion

15. Emotions

It can turn your eyes green
And make you red, white or blue
You can’t see or touch it
But it’s very colourful

16. Beijing

A land rich in history
With a very winding wall
We were recently there
And we really had a ball

17. Email

You used to use a pen
Now you use your fingers
The goal is still the same
It’s to send out messages

18. Wise Men

There were three of them
They travelled afar
To look for Christ
They followed a star

19. In

You’ll see it in something
It’s there in everything
It appears in thin air
Yet it’s found in nothing

20. Tin Tin

A clever Belgian boy
With a helpful little dog
There are a couple of twins
Who’re always in the fog

21. Hammy

Very, very active
When she bites, ouch!
You give her lots of food
And she stores them in her pouch

22. Yes

I see it in your eyes
It started yesterday
Knowing Christmas is near
This you want to say!

23. Omnitrix

It makes you look real funny
And gets you in danger
Yet every boy wants one
Have you seen anything stranger?

24. Unicorn

A mythical beast
Somewhat lopsided up there
It only has one
While others have a pair


Happy Advent! Meanwhile, we'll be going on a short vacation from the weekend to end of next week. So I'm taking a break from blogging but I hope to see y'all when I return.... hopefully refreshed! Adieu!

To my school

Last day of school and it's a bittersweet moment for Lesley-Anne. Today, she leaves the school that has shaped her character and laid her academic foundation for the past six years. As a parent, I believe the teachers have done a terrific job. For the most part, Lesley-Anne has enjoyed her time here and I know she will remember it fondly.

So here's a little something I wrote to mark her rite of passage.

To My School

When I first came here
I felt so very small
Many confusing walkways
And a massive hall.

At times it was tough
I really didn't like school
The teachers were too strict
Kids could be cruel.

But as time passed
I became familiar with these walls
Faces and places
I grew fond of them all.

Six years I've spent here
Many friends I have made
Day in and day out
We've studied and played.

Wasn't it just yesterday
They were my new classmates?
Now we're all great pals
Ready to graduate

Older and wiser
A teen I'll soon be
So very different from
The little girl that was me.

And now I only remember
The good times I've had
Knowing I'm leaving this place
Makes me kind of sad

My new journey's beginning
Something I'm looking forward to
But no matter where I go
I will always remember you.

In honour of Lesley-Anne's braces

Came across this poem by Shel Silverstein from A Light in the Attic. Made us giggle, what with Lesley-Anne in braces and all.

Tusk, Tusk

The Walrus got braces,
And that's why his face is
A tangle of wires and steel.
He'll sit and he'll wait
Till his tusks are both straight -
And then think how happy he'll feel!
(But meanwhile, they're ruining his meal.)

Let's go on a Mouse Hunt!

Since last week, the kids and I have been chasing down mice. No, our home is not pest-infested - I'm referring to the virtual kind on a Facebook Game called Mouse Hunt.

I blame it on Lilian's son Brian. He was the one who introduced us to the game and at first, it didn't seem like the kind of game I would like. I mean, there's no actual action happening - all you do is press a button every 15 minutes and see if the computer-generated programme deigns that you should catch a mouse.

The mice can be quite cute, like this basic White mouse:

Or fearless like the Pirate mouse:

135 breeds in all. And then there are the traps. You buy a base and weapon using pieces of gold that you earn, taking into account statistics such as bait, power, luck and attraction rate. There are ranks to reach, maps to collect, potions to craft, lands to explore - all with the single objective of catching mice.

The game is very, very clever. It was designed to appeal to the human psyche of curiosity, planning and most of all, desire to beat the odds and try your luck. It even hooks you up into hunting groups with your Facebook friends who also play the game. No wonder it has become one of the most popular games on Facebook.

Needless to say, I quickly became obsessed with catching mice. I cursed the Hunter's Horn when my cheese turned stale. I celebrated when I caught my first Ninja mouse. The game even threatened to come between my friendship with Lilian when my repeated sounding of the horn turned up empty for Lilian. "Stop sounding that horn!" she screeched over virtual space, sending me scarpering to the Meadow.

After watching me play, Lesley-Anne and Andre were dying to play too, so I set up Facebook accounts for them - not real social accounts since they're still below age but just for them to play the game.

Which brings me to my new Top 10 list. Here are the Top 10 signs that you're a Mouse Hunt addict:

1) You bore all your friends on Facebook with status updates on the new type of mouse you've caught.

2) Your kids come home from school and the first thing they say is not "hi Mum" but "did I catch any mice??"

3) You download 2 whole new web browsers just so you and your kids can each have their own Mouse Hunt platform. And not forgetting that Mouse Hunt search engine which gives you 3 free pieces of Super Brie cheese a day.

4) Your homepage on your web browser is Facebook, with your password already keyed in so your kids can press the Hunter's Horn for you while you're out.

5) Your son yells "You got 2 Greys and 1 Granite!" and you know he's talking about mice.

6) You work in 15-minute blocks, around the sounding of the Hunter's Horn.

7) You go out for a family Japanese buffet lunch and you *ahemlilian* sms your fellow mouse hunting friend *coughme* to ask how many mice you caught while you're away.

8) You veto a holiday to a destination without Internet access.

9) You study the detailed Guide to Mouse Hunt more intently than your kids' exam schedule.

10) Your casual friend on Facebook becomes your idol when you realise that she has attained the Legendary rank on Mouse Hunt. And your kids want to be adopted by her.

So in the next few days, if I say I'm busy, you'll know the truth - most likely, I'm catching me some rodents.

Ode to reading (with apologies to Popular Bookstore)

You've seen it all before
Kids sprawled all over the floor
With grubby hands on books
Getting sneak peaks at the store.

Popular says, "It's a good habit
But there's a library opposite.
If you want Artemis Fowl,
Perhaps you'd like to buy it."

So the kids don't get free reading
As their parents do their shopping
And I do understand, really
Even though I hate paying.

But what's this I see?
A boy in a yellow tee
Absorbed in his Beast Quest
A refreshing sight for me.
Because it's Andre reading!
Voluntarily!

A Mother's Day tribute

I usually hate all mushy, gushy stuff. Lovey dovey, Hallmark-style poems make me cringe, maybe because of the artificial-ness (is there such a word?) of it all. Lilian says I'm a cynic.

But today, I'm going to be somewhat sentimental and say that since I started my blog almost nine months ago, one of the best things that has emerged from it is my encounter with so many terrific mums. I've been pleasantly surprised, to say the least. So since it's Mother's Day, it's only fitting that I acknowledge all these women who have come to be such a big part of my life and my parenting adventure, on a daily basis.

First, the witty, intelligent blogging mums - Lilian (mwah! special virtual kiss for you, you're the one who opened up this avenue for me), Adeline, Cindy, Eunice, Ann, Mei, Hsien. Thanks also for introducing me to Sarah and Ailei who are utterly delightful.

Next, the mums whom I've never met face-to-face but who have given me a glimpse of their uniquely wonderful personalities through their comments - QX, Chris, LL, Veronica, Jo, Elan, Daphne, S, TJMummy, YY, Penny, DG, Veena, Justpassingby. I really hope I didn't miss out anyone - if I did, please let me know!

Finally, all the mums who quietly read my blog but are perhaps too shy to comment.

I truly am very grateful for all the support and encouraging words. You don't know how much your continued readership spurs me to keep writing, especially during those times when I'm feeling lazy or uninspired. So in appreciation on this special day, I wrote a little tribute for all you mums, not quite Hallmark style but from the heart nonetheless!

There are different types of mums
Type A and Type B
But one thing we all share
Is the fear of PSLE

Plant cycles I don't get
Compo makes me fret
Chinese I'd rather forget
Math gives me cold sweat

Our concerns are many
Answers are sometimes few
There should be a mother's manual
Telling us what to do

"What school should I choose?"
"How do I improve her score?"
"Should I send him for tuition?"
"I can't take it any more!!"

You read on my blog
"Please don't love money!"
"Marathon not sprint!"
"You shouldn't be a key!"

Truth is, I'm just another mum
We all learn along the way
Thanks for journeying with me
PS Happy Mothers' Day!

Top 10 children's disorders in desperate need of cures

On Saturday, there was an article in the Straits Times about a little-known disorder called selective mutism, where a child who is normally chatty at home, completely clams up in specific situations, usually schools or in public, and this doesn't improve with time.

I'm sure that if this had occurred 20 years ago, the child would simply be considered "shy". In fact, I had a discussion with a girl friend several weeks back on why there appears to be a proliferation of children's disorders in modern times, whether:

1. these conditions had always existed and are just being discovered today due to increasing awareness and research
2. there are indeed kids with more disorders these days due to a global change in lifestyle and environment
3. we are just trying to create more labels to cater to kids who don't fit nicely into any of the recognised categories

I don't know. And I have no wish to make a judgement call because I'm pretty sure I will get hantam-ed by people who are for the other camps. So I'm taking the cop-out route by saying, "I think it's a combination of all three." There! Everyone happy?

But one thing I'm certain of is that with human beings exhibiting such an impossibly vast spectrum of behaviours and personalities, no matter what new condition you come up with, there will inevitably be some kid who has those symptoms. So I decided to come up with my own fictitious Top 10 list of children's disorders, complete with acronyms (what's a disorder without an acronym??), garnered from years of observing my two young 'uns and other children.

1. Selective Attention Deficit (SAD) Disorder

The ability to sit unmoving for two hours in front of X-Men, but not being able to focus on maths for 10 minutes.

2. Memory Aptitude Deficiency (MAD) Malady

The ability to remember every line of an advertisement jingle they heard a year ago, with accompanying gestures, but not what their teacher had told them earlier that day.

3. Lack Of Sensory Tracking (LOST) Syndrome

The tendency to lose water bottles, lunch boxes, books, files and stationery in school without the slightest inkling of how it happened.

4. Broken Channel Disorder (BCD)

The inability to adjust one's volume so it's constantly tuned to LOUD, particularly when there's a need to ask questions like "MUMMY, WHY IS THAT MAN SO FAT?"

5. Snot Magnet Syndrome (SMS)

Afflicts 5 times more boys than girls. The magical ability to attract dirt, dust and anything resembling snot, coupled with the uncontrollable desire to spread these to different crevices in the body.

6. Sound Origination Syndrome (SOS)

Afflicts 50 times more boys than girls. The ability to fart, burp and create a musical assortment of noises from every body part at will.

7. Total and Irrational Regression in Energy Disorder (TIRED)

The sudden and puzzling drop in energy level, often triggered by the tutor pressing the doorbell.

8. Blasted Bladder and Bowel (BBB) Malady

The strange and instant urge to pee or poop the minute they've left a place with a clean and available toilet, despite having been asked 10 times before, "Do you need to go?"

9. Monosyllable Muttering Syndrome (MMS)

The obsessive and highly annoying use of mono-syllabic answers to probing questions, like "yah", "no" and "mmm". Sometimes improvement may be observed in the upgrade to two syllables - "ok".

10. Hard uf Hearing (HUH?) Syndrome

The ability to hear the opening of a packet of potato chips two rooms away but not their mothers standing next to them, yelling at them to do their homework.


Efforts to find cures for these disorders have so far been in vain, despite modern scientific breakthroughs. So if your kids have any of these disorders, best of luck to you!!

Disclaimer: I am not trivialising real children's disorders. If you are offended by this post, then perhaps you're suffering from the Humour Deficiency Type V (HDTV) Disorder - please seek help.

Top 10 expenses other parents never warned you about

Time for another Top 10 list!

Everybody knows having children is an expensive endeavour. But most new or would-be parents naively believe that their hard-earned money will go to useful things like diapers or clothes or transport, and that they have to save up for a university education.

Wow, are they in for a surprise! Sure, these things cost quite a lot but in reality, the biggest chunk of your precious paycheck won’t be going to these necessities. Long after you’ve completed paying for your kid’s time at Montessori, you’ll be dishing out dough for other stuff, sometimes unwittingly, even willingly.

So what are these curious items? Here is my Top 10 list of where a parent’s money really goes to:

1. Cartoon merchandise

TV is bad for your kids and not just for the reason you think. After your sons become hooked on Ben 10, they will need to live and breathe Ben 10, which means they will need the Ben 10 water bottle, Ben 10 shoes, Ben 10 t-shirt, Ben 10 figurines, and of course the Omnitrix ($49.95! And it doesn’t turn you into monsters or even tell time). Likewise for girls, they must have the Winx Club mini skirt, Winx Club colouring book, Winx Club stationery set, Winx Club lunchbox. And you thought watching tv was free.

2. Tutors

This one is a no-brainer. If you live in Singapore and have kids studying in the Singapore education system, chances are you have caved in to the tuition culture. A Straits Times poll of 100 kids in primary school to JC found that only 3 had no tuition at all (maybe these kids had parents who were tutors). If you’re an English speaking family, lagi worse – sure kenah Chinese tutor. I think half the Chinese nationals here made a beeline for Singapore just to give tuition to our jiak kantang kids. It’s an attractive proposition - primary school fees are only $5.50 a month, tuition is $40 per hour.

3. Tissue

Along with their cousins, paper napkins and kitchen towels. Name a kid who’s not usually wet or dirty or has something in his hands that’s wet or dirty. And if your kid is a boy, chances are he’s a dirt magnet. We have a box of tissue in every room in the house, as well as two in the car and numerous packs in the outing bag. Half the world’s rainforest was probably felled so we could have something convenient to wipe runny noses, sticky mouths and grubby hands. I bet all the people who own shares in Kleenex are parents.

4. Handphones, ipods and other thingamajigs

If you want to spot the newest handphone model or the coolest ipod, just look to teenagers. They’re never the ones who pay for it, but they carry the latest trends while mum and dad hang on to their relic Nokia. (To be fair, it's probably because mum and dad can't figure out how to work that new-fangled thingy). IT is the new fashion icon and since technology dates faster than the speed of light, your kids will be clammering to own the newest gadgets and gidgets to hit the market. My kids are not there yet but it's a ticking time bomb... this is their world.

5. Dentist

I was recently told by Adeline that a full set of braces can cost something like $8,000. To straighten teeth, for Pete’s sake! Of course my kids have wayward teeth, darn it. I’ve suggested to Lesley-Anne and Andre that they learn to smile without showing their bottom teeth so I only need to pay half. And God forbid if you need extra work, like root canals. Dentists must be the only people where we willingly offer money for pain. I imagine dentists and orthodontists hold conventions just to celebrate the rise of the national birth rate. Afterall, their mortgages and fancy cars were probably paid by parents.

6. Little toy cars

Ok, this one generally only applies to boys but they more than make up for it for the other gender. Before I had a son, I never understood why toy stores sold a gazillion different types of miniature vehicles. I mean, a toy car is a toy car, right? Boy, was I off the mark and by a whole different planet. Every boy needs the entire collection of convertibles, sedans, 4-wheel drives, diggers, trucks, vans, buses, taxis and in EVERY SINGLE COLOUR. I would name more except I’m hampered by my limited transportation vocabulary. At the height of his craze, Andre had almost 150 little vehicles and he still complained he didn’t have “the Hong Kong taxi in blue”. By the way, the male species never outgrows this phase – the cars just get bigger.

7. Popular Bookstore

This one I’m naming specifically because it’s not just any bookshop. If studies are to be believed, bookstores in Singapore are a dying business because people are reading less and less. But Popular Bookstore sells books as an afterthought – they’re really all about assessment books and stationery, and that’s a clever business plan if I ever saw one. I have never seen parents so happy to part with their money as they cart off piles of assessment books with the hope that their blur kids will become geniuses overnight. Stationery? Another thing that requires constant replenishment. I’m convinced there’s a Bermuda Triangle somewhere in my living room where erasers, pencils and rulers inexplicable disappear.

8. Correction tape

You might think huh? Correction tape? Which probably means you don’t have in kid older than 8. When students first start using pens in school, usually at p3, they get all excited about leaving their babyish pencils behind. I used to think, good! No more hunting for erasers. Little did I know what Pandora's box I'd opened. Remember the old days when we had to colour on the white paint and wait for it to dry? Now, you just roll it on in a neat white strip, no drying needed. But naturally technology comes at a cost. I buy correction tape by the 6-pack and these last a month if I’m lucky, JUST FOR LESLEY-ANNE. I imagine correction tape companies must cheer when worksheets and test papers are difficult because the kids have to keep correcting their mistakes.

9. Batteries

You'd think it’s the toy that empties your wallet but you’re highly mistaken – it’s the 20,000 batteries you have to keep buying to keep that darn remote control car going. I think toy makers conspire with battery makers to produce toys that suck up battery fluid faster than Andre can polish off a chocolate milkshake. And it’s not just toys – it’s watches, calculators, e-dictionaries and anything else with moving parts. When my kids get Christmas or birthday presents, these three little words strike fear in my heart: Batteries Not Included.

10. Ikea

Another store I’m naming. They’re so clever, these folks at Ikea. Everything is bright and colourful and enticing and with an innocent looking price-tag. With a personal membership book for your little one, big playroom and even kids’ trolleys, you think this is kids heaven. A three-legged lime green stool? Sure! Finger puppets? Why not! Before you know it, you have signed for the delivery of a trundle bed because of its cute giraffe appliqués, along with the matching orange wardrobe that looks like it emerged from some psychedelic cartoon. And we can even have Swedish meatballs before we leave! You know their tagline “You don’t have to be rich to be clever”? They’re probably right because once we enter the store, our IQ drops about 50 points.


I’m as much a victim of these nefarious individuals and companies as the next parent. But it’s a free market and I can’t really complain. Nobody forced me to buy all that stuff right? I just think that the gahmen should get these parties to contribute to the Baby Bonus – afterall, when couples have more children, they’re the ones laughing all the way to the bank.

Mummy dearest - the dubious Top 10

Post no.100! I can't believe I've found so much to talk about.

The 100th post should be a memorable one so I've decided to compile a Top 10 list (I just love me lists!) This might be considered controversial and could get me on the blacklist of some parents, but I couldn't resist.

This is a Top 10 list of the type of nightmare parents who make me squirm. When I meet any of them, I immediately devise a getaway plan. I'm pretty sure you'll recognise some, if not all of them.

1. The "Ain't she sweet" Parent

This is the teacher's nightmare. Basically, this child can do no wrong in his parent's eyes. If she's throwing a tantrum, she's just "sensitive". If she's beating up other kids, she's "active". When she says something rude, the parent laughs it off as if it's the most amusing thing ever. And if any teacher dares to reprimand the child, she'll get, "I tell my father!" followed by an earful from the parent and a threatened lawsuit.

2. The "Kiasu competition sure win" Parent

Most Singaporean parents (me included) are kiasu to some extent. But this one will do anything to get ahead. (The father who took the exam for his son probably falls under this category!) This parent, when reading my post on why coaching for GEP is unethical, will immediately think, "Wah, got coaching for GEP! Where?" The motivation to get ahead can even inspire downright rude behaviour. He is the one who shoves his kids into the lift without letting people out first, lets them cut queues, and encourages them to hide library books so other kids can't find them.

3. The "See no evil, hear no evil" Parent

You can sense the presence of this parent even before you spot her because her kids will be screaming at impressive Mariah Carey pitches and hurtling in between legs and toys at the department store. And when you spot her, you're likely to find her nonchalantly standing at the side, oblivious to the flustered salesperson and other disapproving parents. In fact, she's probably even on her cell phone, having a leisurely conversation with her bff (best female friend).

4. The "Anything yours can do, mine can do better" Parent

This parent has enrolled his child in a competition with all other kids. The problem is, the competition is in his head and nobody else is participating. If your kid can draw a car at age 3, his can draw a mountain bike complete with Lance Armstrong. If you say your kid has 10 friends, he'll say his has 15. If pushed hard enough, you can probably get this parent to say his kid turned down a personal invitation by NASA to fly a space shuttle.

5. The "Mine can't do anything (but still managed to thrash yours)" Parent

Actually, this parent annoys me even more than the previous one because he's equally competitive but pretends not to be. He'll say something like "oh, she's very lazy" or "she's not very bright", then later manage to drop in the conversation that she topped her class. You can easily recognise these two types of parents in that they're never happy about your kid's achievements but they always expect you to applaud theirs.

6. The "Whack you upside-down" Parent

While most parents on this list can be said to be over-indulgent or over-protective, this one is the opposite. You can often spot this one in a public place, bellowing and wagging a finger at a child who's completely cowed. Often for a misdemeanour as minor as forgetting to bring his water bottle. This one makes me cringe because I usually end up feeling so sorry for the kid who is being humiliated.

7. The "You can't do anything good enough" Parent

The child of this parent also has my sympathy because she's always trying to please but nothing she does is ever good enough. Aiyoh, this parent has standards higher than the Chrysler Building. If the child comes home with 7 As and 1 B, the parent will harp on the B. Getting a "well done!" out of this parent is harder than getting a penguin to fly.

8. The "Chao kwan" Parent

This parent has the hide of a rhino. He doesn't care who he has to bulldoze to get what he wants because he feels the rules don't apply to him. This is the parent who will ask for contacts or learning resources but never shares his. He is the one who, at the Parent-Teacher meeting, will hog the teacher's time for 45 minutes, conveniently disregarding the long line of disgruntled parents behind him.

9. The "Blow-by-blow account" Parent

This parent is so enamoured by her child that she's obliged to share every minute detail of his existence with you. "He's so cute when he's asleep, he makes a soft 'ff-pff sound when he breathes!" By the time she's 10 minutes into her son's bowel habits, you start thinking that migration probably isn't so bad if it gets you away from her permanently.

10. The "Sugar and spice" Parent

This parent is similar to the previous one in that she's equally enchanted by her child, but the irritant is not in the details but the bucket of saccharine she pours onto her stories. She calls her kid "sweetie pie" or "honey bunny", she never loses her temper, and he's always unbelievably angelic. Her life appears to be like something out of a Strawberry Shortcake cartoon. Too much time spent with this parent and you run the risk of gagging from a sugar overload.


This list is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, I hope I've not offended anyone. And if you are offended, then chances you're one of those parents, in which case I don't really need to know about it. (Really! I don't! Please don't email me to scold me.)

At any rate, we're all probably a little of each of these types at some point, like if I meet an "Anything yours can do, mine can do better" parent, after a while, I feel the inexplicable urge to start declaring my child's achievements.

Nobody's perfect, so let's just laugh at ourselves ok?

Singaporean mum on the loose

A friend invited me to join in the "Yes I'm Singaporean!" Blog Contest. You're supposed to blog about what makes you a Singaporean and how people can pick you out from an international crowd from your Uniquely Singaporean qualities.

At first, I wasn't very keen. Too much effort lah. Then I saw the top prize was an iPod Touch, engraved with your name some more. Wah say, then I'll give it a go, man! That should immediately tell you that I'm a classic Singaporean. Very ngian for free gift one. As long as doesn't entail giving my phone number, having to buy multiple boxes of biscuits or attend very pressurising talk by scary salespeople on time-share apartments.

Actually, my blog is on kids and education, so I have a slight dilemma - I have to somehow make my entry relevant to my blog. No sweat - one of the all-time unique Singaporean icons is the Singaporean mum. And here are ten reasons why I'm your candidate:

1) I'm a regular fixture at Popular Bookstore. My Popular discount card has seen more wear than Phua Chu Kang's yellow boots. When the twice-yearly 20% discount for members events come around, my kids sure bin che che* because they can count on me lugging home fresh armloads of torture implements aka assessment books.

2) I always grumble about the Singapore education system but if any foreigner tries to criticise it, I will defend it to death and point out all the flaws in theirs. "Ei, my kids can calculate how many books Ali has transferred from Library A to B! Yours can't even add!!" Don't play play.

3) You're not a true Singaporean if you're not a foodie. In fact, that's one of the main reasons we won't be migrating anytime soon. Sure, Paris has the Eiffel Tower and LA has Disneyland but only Singapore got Beach Road Prawn Mee, Hill Street Char Guay Teow and Bedok Corner Ayam Penyet. No fight lah.

4) I'm always on the phone to one of these parties - the school, the Chinese tuition teacher, either of the two piano teachers, the ballet teacher or one of the two school bus drivers. At any moment in time, you're likely to find me wildly gesticulating, frantically trying to coordinate schedules that are as fickle as the stock market. Adoi. Macam worse than a company secretary.

5) Call me kiasu but I love a bargain. Nothing irks me more than seeing something on sale that I just bought at full price last week. I have inadvertently become one of those coupon aunties. 1-for-1 coffee, 20% storewide discounts, $5 vouchers, free ice-cream with purchase - I have them all. In fact, many of them have have long expired but I'd forgotten to discard them. If you encounter a woman at the cashier accidentally releasing a confetti of coupons as she was removing her purse from her bag, that was probably me.

6) Singaporeans are obsessed with '3-in-1's. It's just the thought of having one item do three things at the same time - gives the illusion of efficiency. I wash my hair with 3-in-1 shampoo, beautify my complexion with 3-in-1 moisturiser and kickstart every morning with 3-in-1 coffee. Out of curiosity, I googled '3-in-1 Singapore' and I found 3-in-1 milo, 3-in-1 instant cereal, 3-in-1 warning system, 3-in-1 family centre, 3-in-1 rocker/feeding chair (possibly comes with baby too), and 3-in-1 breakfast maker, which is apparently a toaster oven cum food steamer cum frying pan. Wah, maybe it can fry your eggs and make toast at the same time. And if you thought that was impressive, check this out!

7) All Singaporeans know their acronyms - ECP, PIE, COE, CPF, HDB, MRT, PAP, GST, the list goes on. But the ones that plague my life are all kids and education related - MOE, GEP, HOD, DSA, IP, ERP (this refers to an English project even more dreaded than the gantry toll of the same name), CCA, CIP and my nightmare of 2009 - PSLE. Kenneth and I think there must be a gahmen department whose sole job is to think up acronyms for new services/entities to confuse foreigners. If you lia bo kiu** any of these acronyms, then you're most likely not a parent or not a Singaporean or both.

8) The typical Singaporean parent hurls cliches at their kids as if their grades depended on it. I am no exception. "If you don't study hard, you will grow up to be a garbage collector!" "You think money grow on trees ah?" "You're not leaving the table till you finish your food." "If your friend jumps, you also jump izzit??" But I also have a couple of originals: "I smack you all the way to China then you know." and "Did you leave your brain in the school canteen?"

9) During exam time, I get very gancheong and become an instant insomniac, wondering if I should have insisted on intensive tuition/started revisions earlier/moved to Australia. In the morning, I give them Brands' Essence of Chicken as a token of my motherly concern. Ironic since I'm the one who's a zombie and they had blissfully slept through the night.

10) Many Singaporeans can claim to be bilingual or even trilingual. I lagi best. I one shot can use three languages in less than ten words: "One plate char guay teow mai ham, makan here."

So that's me - the quintessential, hot-blooded Singaporean mum. I complain a lot but am too comfortable to do anything about it. I hope I've proven that I'm Uniquely Singaporean enough to be worthy of the iPod Touch. If not, I'll just have to cut more coupons. And meanwhile, if you're looking for me, I'll be at the Popular Expo sale, KLKK***.

*"face green green"
**literally "catch no ball"
***kia lai kia ke

Shameless self-promotion: If you enjoyed reading this post, you might also like Ode to Teachers 2 and The Scrabble Fiasco.

Fun countdown to Christmas - an Advent calendar

The Advent season is drawing near, so I want to share something nice you can do for your kids - an Advent calendar.

An Advent calendar is a calendar which counts down to Christmas from 1 December. If you see the one in stores, it normally has 24 windows taped shut. Each day starting 1 December, you open one window, the last one you open on Christmas eve. Behind each window is an image of either the Nativity story or something related to Christmas. Some others have a piece of chocolate or candy behind each window.

I came across this idea of making an Advent calendar when I saw it in a kids' activity book. Lesley-Anne was in p1 then. I thought it would be a great way to build up the excitement, as well as make the wait for Christmas more bearable (kids always feel that Christmas will never come!) But I didn't like the thought of just putting pictures or candy behind the windows - what's so interesting about that?

So Lesley-Anne and I made an Advent calendar with 24 pockets - she decorated the pockets with stickers (right pic, it's very beat up I know, it's 4 years old!) I created 24 little rhymes - each night when she was sleeping, I would creep into her bedroom and slip one into the appropriate pocket for her to find in the morning. (Andre was only 4 then, so the Advent calendar was primarily for her.)

It gave her something to look forward to everyday - each rhyme described a word, and she had to solve it. When she had finished opening all 24 rhymes, the starting letter of each word in that order would form a sentence related to Christmas.

Here's the first one I did for Lesley-Anne. She was only 7 then, so the rhymes are pretty simple. I'm happy to share this and you're welcome to copy the rhymes if you like (but of course change the ones that don't apply to you!) The part in purple is the answer to the rhyme, so when you print out the rhyme, don't print that part. The final sentence spells out "Christmas means love and joy".

1. C is for Candy Cane

Red and white
Sticky and sweet
Plenty at Christmas
What a treat!

2. H is for Hope

A toy, a book, a bike
All children are alike
Hope for presents galore
What do you hope for?

3. R is for Reindeer

Dashing in the night
With Rudolf’s nose so bright
Delivering lots of toys
For all little girls and boys

4. I is for Ice

The Eskimos build igloos
Made completely out of ice
They’re freezing all year round
Which isn’t very nice

5. S is for Story

We tell this every night
Of three bears and three pigs
Why not have some new ones
For 2005 and 6?

6. T is for Tree

Tall and majestic
Green or white
Pretty and dressed up
In tinsel and light

7. M is for Mummy

She’s not very good at sports
She really can’t cook too
She is a terrible driver
But she’s great at loving you!

8. A is for Advent

A calendar like this one
Makes December really fun
Starting out each day
In a very special way

9. S is for Snow

Something in Singapore
We have not got
I wish it’ll snow some
Then it wouldn’t be so hot!

10. M is for Manger

Born in one
God’s only Son
On a bed of hay
Little Jesus lay

11. E is for Eternity

It’s a really long time
It means forever and ever
Sometimes it seems like
Christmas comes never!

12. A is for Angel

They live up high in heaven
Watching us from above
Sent to us by God
To show us care and love

13. N is for Noah

When the flood came
Everyone ran helter skelter
Except his family and animals
Who had the perfect shelter

14. S is for Stocking

It’s what Santa uses
To stuff his presents in
But since it’s very narrow
You may only get a pin!

15. L is for Lesley-Anne

Pretty, smart and sweet
An example to the rest
God made you with love
You are truly blessed

16. O is for Obey

Do what God asks
Do what your parents ask
With respect and love
No matter the task

17. V is for Vacation

Six weeks you’ve had
They’ve flown by very fast
But indeed I truly hope
Your holiday was a blast!

18. E is for Evangelise

Learn a new word today
It’s really good for you
It means tell others about God
Which is a great thing to do

19. A is for Andre

I know you don’t like
A pesky little brother
But later on in life
You’ll want no other

20. N is for New Year

In a few days more
It’s goodbye to 2004
I hope you had your fun
And enjoyed Primary 1

21. D is for Daddy

Sometimes he’s smiley
Sometimes he’s not
But whether he is or isn’t
He sure loves you a lot

22. J is for Jesus

Born in a manger
Though he knew the danger
He is the reason
We celebrate this season

23. O is for Overeat

The danger of Christmas
Is everything looks so yummy
First we stuff the turkey
Then we stuff our tummy!

24. Y is for You

Someone special
Someone unique
Tomorrow is Christmas
Let’s get to bed quick!

Ode to teachers 2

Andre and his form teacher have shared a stormy relationship over two years. To say they have no rapport is an understatement - it's like Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono. There's definitely no love lost between them. I've collected at least a dozen complaint notes from his teacher over the two years and she has stopped trying to say anything complimentary about him in his report book. Andre has returned the favour by not bothering to give her anything for Teacher's Day.

But at the end of the day, Andre has done well in his examinations and he has always come home knowing his work. I have to give credit where credit is due - so here's a poem I wrote as a tribute (of sorts) to his teacher.

In p1, on the very first day of school
You walked into the classroom, looking pretty and cool
Told us your name was Miss Li
While smiling kindly at everybody

English and Maths you tried to teach us
30 hyper children in one class
Very soon, you stopped smiling a lot
Only so much patience you have got.

“Miss Li, can I drink water?”
“Miss Li, I can’t find my eraser.”
“Miss Li, can I go toilet?”
“Miss Li, he drew on my shirt.”

When you talked, I talked too
So what you said, I never knew
You made me sit behind on my own
I really didn’t like to be all alone.

When I went up to p2
I thought I’d gotten rid of you
Wah man! So sian!
You are my teacher once again.

“I’m Mrs Wong now”, you say
You got married over the holiday
But the change is only in name
You are still exactly the same.

“Andre, why are you dreaming?”
“Andre, didn’t you learn your spelling?”
“Andre, what is 71 - 43?”
“Andre, are you listening to me??”

I can’t remember what is 8 x 4
Learning times tables is such a chore
Is it “everybody likes” or “everybody like” again?
Grammar is driving me insane.

Mrs Wong, why do you keep scolding me?
Don’t you know I have homework allergy?
English and Maths are so boring, you see
I only like recess and PE.

You wrote to my mother to complain
"Andre didn’t do his work again.”
My mother got mad, she yelled at me.
“Another note I don’t want to see!”

Your next note I hid from my mother
So that a scolding I wouldn’t get from her
Alamak! I didn’t think at all
That you would give my mother a call.

Teaching is much harder than you thought
You must have thought of quitting an awful lot
But still you try and try
Even though sometimes you wonder why.

You taught us everything bit by bit
Repeated yourself until we got it
Addition, subtraction, multiplication
Grammar, tenses, punctuation.

When all is said and done
You helped me get my Band 1
So Mrs Wong, to you I say
“Thank you for everything, you are a-ok"