Life isn't fair. What do we do?

Here's a hypothetical situation:

3 students have to do a group project together. They agree on what each person has to contribute.  However, what ensues is this:

Student A doesn't do her part and disappears throughout duration of project, appearing in time only to put her name on project.

Student B doesn't really know what's going on, puts in a half-hearted effort that anyone can see is badly done.

Student C does her part and being a conscientious student, chases the others who don't respond. She now has the dilemma of wondering whether to take on Student A and Student B's share of the work, or just let the whole group flunk.

This is actually a very common scenario, I hear it from parents all the time (especially parents of kids like Student C).  As we all know, the world is made up of all kinds of people, so I'm not too surprised that this happens in schools.

What I'm astonished about though, is how frequently, if the group eventually scores a bad grade, the teacher will tell Student C that it was her fault, that she should have made sure the other two handed in the work.  The reasoning behind this logic is "that's what happens in real life, you have to make sure the work gets done. Real life isn't fair, get used to it."

I have a big issue with people who love to spout the "life isn't fair" cliche, as I often find that they're the ones perpetuating the belief.  I have an even bigger issue when that person is a teacher.  We all know life isn't fair, no argument there. And it's also true that when kids grow up and become adults in the working world, these are the challenges they will face.

However, the role of teachers is not to give our kids a dose of reality by reinforcing all that is bad about life and about people.  For example, we know facing failure builds resilience but that doesn't mean we set our kids up for failure. I saw this quote the other day that really shouted out to me:

“It’s not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It’s our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless.”
~ L.R.Knost

There's a gulf of difference between preparing kids for real life and training them for it. One teaches you how to deal with rats in the rat race, the other teaches you how to be a rat. The trouble is these days, we have become so obsessed with making sure that our kids are able to survive in the competitive landscape, that the focus of education has shifted from educating to training.  The former teaches you to be a better, more knowledgeable version of yourself.  The latter gives you skills to survive, to come up on top.  If your goal is the latter, it means that you only play to win, usually at the expense of someone else. Winner takes all.

That's where I feel many teachers and parents trip up.  I've heard anecdotal stories of parents who teach their kids how to get ahead by thinking only for Numero Uno.  If you have to lie on an application form, hide books, shove to get to the front, prey on the kindness of others, by all means, as long as you can get away with it.  After all, that's what life is like. It's a dog-eat-dog world.  It's called being street-smart. Life isn't fair.

The problem with this approach is that if everybody does this, nobody wins and society sucks big time.  Out of all the excuses, the lamest justification I always hear: "Everyone's doing it.  We have no choice!" That's right, another fantastic lesson we're teaching our kids - how to assign blame so we don't have to be responsible for our actions.

Back to project above - what did the students learn? Student A learns that you can do nothing and get away with it. Student B learns that it's ok not to try to try harder cos you can always ride on somebody's coattails.  Saddest of all, Student C learns that it really doesn't pay to be conscientious.  In fact, she's probably considered naive and stupid.

As parents and teachers, we need to understand that our role is to groom human beings who can make society better, not take advantage of it.  If kids don't learn about doing the right thing, how will they know this as adults?  The kind of messages we're sending to our kids is directly related to the kind of society we're creating.  We can't really complain about the moral decay of society if we're teaching children that they survive better if they leave their ethics at the front door.

We need to go back to basics and walk the talk.  Reinforce actions that demonstrate the age-old values of diligence, honesty, compassion and responsibility.  Show them that you can and should be kind in an unkind world.

Life is unfair. All the more we should try to make a difference.