Which comes first - the girl or the boy?

Staying on the topic of birth order, I think the gender of a child plays a huge part (in Asia at least) in how birth order shapes his or her personality.

As you know, I have a daughter and a son, in that order. I’ve lost count of the number of times people have told me, “You’re lucky the first one is a girl, then she can help out with the younger one.” I used to have a standard response explaining my views but grew tired of appearing churlish. These days, I just smile politely and say nothing.

Why do people persist in spouting clichés as if they were the gospel truth, without actually examining what they’re saying? I can’t be sure but I suspect this belief is rooted in Asian culture, stemming from the patriarchal society we live in. Underlying that simple statement are two loaded assumptions: 1) the girl’s role is to help, 2) the son is more important.

The assumption that the elder girl’s role is helper is one that I reject totally. I’m partial to the case of the elder daughter because that’s who I am and although my younger sibling is a sister not a brother, the role of helper was foisted upon me when I was growing up. A little about me, I am the most undomesticated female I know. I can’t cook (and have no wish to), I’m a horrible caregiver, and I detest cleaning and other household chores. I know nobody really likes to clean but I seriously hate it with a vengeance. I would rather live in an unkempt place than clean up. (That’s why I tell everyone, if I can handle motherhood, anyone can!)

So when my parents told me I had to look after my little sister, I instantly rebelled (I turned the tables around by tormenting her instead). This earned me the label of being uncooperative which I begrudged. Today, the memory of this is still very vivid. I remember feeling that it was monstrously unfair that from as young as 6 years old, I was expected to be the mature, responsible one, while my sister, even at age 12, could get away with being juvenile and playful. That somehow my birth order doomed me to a pre-determined role.

I’m not saying children shouldn’t have to help out – on the contrary, I think children should learn to take on some responsibility around the house. What I’m against is the implication that because you’re the eldest, somehow the burden of being responsible for the younger children automatically falls on you. Parents, remember the decision to have another child was yours, not your first born’s! Another common phrase that puts my teeth on edge: “Give in to him lah, he’s younger.” And these same parents wonder why the sibling rivalry is so strong and that their first borns have so much resentment against their younger siblings.

I was very conscious not to do the same to Lesley-Anne. When she does help out with Andre, she’s praised because she’s helping out, not because she’s doing her job. I’ve never told her that she has to look after Andre because she’s older. But I do tell her she should help Andre as he’s her brother, the same way I tell Andre he should look out for his sister.

I know generally, most first borns feel the pressure to help out with their younger siblings but I think the pressure is less for boys. I never hear people say to parents who have a son as a first born, “You’re lucky, your son can help out with your younger ones.” Many people will argue that their sons are simply incapable of helping out. This may be true but while this is an acceptable excuse for boys, girls, regardless of their inclination are usually still expected to step up to the plate.

Apart from the stereotype that girls are better helpers than boys, it also sends the signal that boys are valued more. I have been voicing out against this chauvinistic mindset for the longest time. When I was pregnant with Lesley-Anne, before we found out her gender, an elderly relative told me, “It’s better for the first one to be a boy, then the second one can be anything.” I retorted, “no, if the first one is a boy, I want my second child to be a girl.” (She was shocked into silence.) One of my girl friends told me when she found out her first child was a girl, her mother-in-law probably thought she was being kind by saying (in Mandarin) “first one girl is good”. But what she really meant was that the second one should preferably be a boy (and the girl would be able to help out).

In this modern day world, it is inexplicable to me that this archaic tradition still lives on. Every child is a gift! I guess old habits die hard. When I explained to my French friend Isabelle about the Chinese preference for boys to carry on the family name, she replied, “yes, because there aren’t enough Tans in the world!” I thought it was hilarious.