Being gifted - a blessing not a curse

My friend Lilian says I give her fodder for blogging. I must say it’s mutual. Especially on the topic of GEP and gifted kids, which she has so convincingly argued her case. I know it's controversial, so here, let me add fuel to the fire *evil laughter*

First, let us all agree that we want our kids to be happy and well-adjusted. No quarrels there, all parents want that for their kids. What gets Lilian’s goat (and mine) is the common assumption that just because a child is gifted, he must be anti-social, eccentric and miserable (often accompanied by a domineering mother figure). It irks me to hear kneejerk responses like "It's better to have friends than be gifted" or "I'd rather my child be socially intelligent than gifted", as though those traits are mutually exclusive. Giftedness doesn't cause social ineptness, nor does it cause you not to have friends. It’s just like people who say, “I’d rather be happy than rich.” Yes, that’s true, but does giving up one guarantee the other? And who’s to say you can’t be both? The grapes smell suspiciously sour, no?

It is true that there are gifted children without friends or with low EQ, but in the same way that there are “regular” kids without friends or low EQ. Being an arrogant jerk is not limited to the bright. Lesley-Anne came back upset one day because someone on her school bus told her to her face, “All GEP kids are geeks and nerds who wear spectacles and braces.” (So much for EQ, huh?)

I’m not saying this to get sympathy, kids will always find new ways to make fun of each other. My point is that the stereotypes of gifted kids (and parents of gifted kids) start very early and these are often perpetuated by adults. As a parent of a gifted child, I sometimes find myself caught in this form of reverse discrimination. I usually don’t volunteer the fact that my daughter is in the GEP because I’m afraid of coming across as “hau lian”. But when the subject inadvertently comes up, I say it as matter-of-factly as I can and I stick to the factual aspects of the programme. Sometimes, I even find myself subconsciously downplaying Lesley-Anne’s abilities, just to make her sound more like a “regular” kid, which is totally not being fair to her. When I met up with her teacher this year, he said, "Don't take the giftedness away from her", which I thought was profound on so many levels.

I think the notion that “all kids are gifted” is just a load of BS concocted by the western world that is obsessed with political correctness (at the expense of common sense). I love the line in the cartoon “The Incredibles” – “When everyone is special, no one will be.” I much prefer the Asian belief that not everyone has the same talents but with hard work and tenacity, we can all make something of ourselves.

What is more important is what we do with this God-given gift. Boasting about your gift is wrong, but so is denying it. When Lesley-Anne was in p1, her teacher asked her to help another classmate who was having difficulty in English. I took the opportunity to tell her about the Parable of the Talents, ie to whom more is given, more is expected (Matthew 25:14-30). To my horror, the next day she came home from school and described to me how she had told her classmate, “God gave me 10 talents and gave you 5 talents, so I should help you.” She wasn’t boasting, she thought she was just sharing a fact. I had to explain to her that her classmate might not be too thrilled to hear that she had only 5 talents! Faux pas aside, Lesley-Anne really does believe that she should use her abilities to help others, which I'm pleased about.

In a way, I’m thankful that not both my kids are gifted because it gives me a more objective perspective, seeing it from both sides of the equation. It also gives me more clarity on how to bring up kids with different abilities. As Lilian said, it all boils down to accepting our kids for who they are, embracing both their weaknesses AND their strengths.

I'm tired of feeling apologetic for my child's giftedness. I still can't bring myself to say "my daughter is gifted" but I do want to be able to openly say I’m proud of her, just like any other mother would.