"Everybody lies." - Gregory House MD. A serious topic for mid-week - what do you do when your child lies?
I will go out on a limb and say that every child has or will tell lies at some point in time. If you say your child has never lied, either 1) you are lying, or 2) your child has been lying to you about not lying.
It could be as simple as saying that he didn’t eat the cookie when he actually did, or that she didn’t know there was spelling that day when she really forgot to learn it. It could be lying by omission – your child not telling you there’s Chinese camp so he won’t have to go.
Whatever it is, I think I speak for all parents when I say that it’s devastating to discover that your child has been telling falsehoods. It’s the shock of realising that your little angel is capable of manipulating the truth, sometimes right in your face.
My first big encounter with Andre telling fibs was earlier this year. A few times, he came home from school with pen marks on his uniform. This really vexed me as the marks are impossible to remove. He told me his friend did it. When this occurred for the third time, I was fuming. I interrogated him and asked who the culprit was. He was very reluctant to say (this should have been a clue right there) but eventually, he said it was the girl sitting next to him in class.
So I wrote a note in Andre’s diary to his teacher telling her about the incident and asked her to deal with the situation. The next day, I asked Andre if he had shown his teacher the note. He said yes. When asked what the teacher did, he told me she had taken the girl outside the classroom and reprimanded her. Satisfied, I thought that was the end of the story.
Two days later, I received a call from Andre’s teacher. She apologised for not replying to my note earlier, she said she had just seen it as she had taken his diary to write a note to me. She went on to say that she had asked the girl what had happened and the girl admitted to drawing on Andre’s shirt, but also that they “drew on each other”. Upon questioning, Andre did not deny this.
I was appalled, to say the least. It wasn’t the fact that Andre had drawn on his friend’s uniform, it was the fact that he had deliberately kept my note from his teacher and engineered an entire story about his teacher punishing the culprit. A bald-faced lie.
When Andre came home from school, I asked him sternly, “Did you show Mrs Wong the note I wrote the other day?” He didn’t notice my tone at first and immediately said “yes”. I repeated the question, very fiercely this time. It was then that he saw the look on my face and he fell silent. Then his eyes filled with tears and he shook his head.
I’d never been so mad. After I got him to admit the whole truth, I gave him a long lecture about the ills of lying (and especially lying to his MOTHER). I meted out the harshest punishment I’d ever given him – two months without computer games. I knew this would hit home because the two months straddled the mid-year holidays and that was when he was looking forward to his computer games the most. I couldn’t sleep that night – am I raising a kid with low morals?
Since then, I’ve spoken to other parents and read up a little on why children lie (please note that this is for kids aged six to ten, ie it’s not fantasy or make-believe as is common with kids below six years old). What I’ve come to realise is that a child’s understanding of right and wrong is not on the same level of consciousness as an adult’s. Lying doesn’t make the child an unethical person. A lie is motivated by the desire to avoid getting into trouble, protect himself or win approval. Think about it, how often have we admonished our kids for being less than perfect, eg. breaking something or forgetting something? It’s no wonder that their first instinct when they’ve done something wrong is to cover it up.
By the way, all children lie, regardless of their maturity. I’ve encountered Lesley-Anne lying to me and a friend of mine caught her daughter, who is usually good as gold, copying the answers to questions in an assessment book. My own sister, who is now as upright and truthful an adult as you’ll ever find, once forged my mother’s signature in her spelling book to avoid getting scolded for her low marks.
It’s a delicate balancing act. On one hand, we need to emphasis the importance of telling the truth, but not out of fear of punishment, otherwise it has no roots. I have a friend whose son was less than truthful on one occasion. She grounded him but later found out that he had subsequently lied to cover up his initial lie. This is a frightening possibility - that instead of learning to tell the truth, our kids learn that they need to be smarter about covering their tracks. Ironically, when parents say things like “Don’t let me find out you’ve been playing instead of studying!” all the kid hears is, “I better not let her find out.”
The occasional lie is not indicative of a serious problem... until it becomes chronic. To avoid getting to that stage, it's important to try and instil a habit of telling the truth. From what I’ve read, these are some of the methods parents can employ:
1) Commend your kids for telling the truth. They are taking a risk by admitting their mistakes. Help them acknowledge their mistakes and accept the consequences, instead of focusing on the mistake.
2) If punishment is necessary, make it a logical consequence of the incident. Eg. if your child has broken something at home, don’t dock privileges, which just sends the message: “I’m taking away something you like because I don’t like what you’ve done” and creates resentment. Instead, commend her for telling the truth and ask her to help pay for the item, which fosters responsibility for actions. (Aside: Andre's no computer games punishment might seem contrary to this rule, but he didn't tell the truth in the first place and I did stress that the severity of the punishment was because he lied. He understood the reasoning and accepted the punishment like a man, not a single complaint).
3) If your kids lie, focus on the consequence of the lie, not the lie itself. Stress the importance of honesty and how telling lies can break the trust between the child and his friends, the child and his parents.
4) Most importantly, do not label. Don’t call your child a liar – labelling creates helplessness and may lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy, ie the child hears that he is a liar and starts to believe this is who he really is.
It takes patience and hard work. I’m the first to admit that I don’t consistently follow the above. But I’m giving it my best shot because I believe that a good foundation in the early years will save parents a lot of heartache later.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The language of Andre
The other day in the car, we saw some Malay teenagers all donned up in their best baju for Hari Raya. Andre asked where they were going and Kenneth said, "They're probably going to visit their cikgu."
Andre immediately piped up, "I thought cikgu is a fruit."
"That's CHIKU lah."
Typical Andre. Anyway, just thought I'd slip in that funny story. I always felt that Andre was creatively-inclined, not only because of his interest in the piano but in everyday life. I mentioned in a previous post about his "creativity" in English comprehension - he comes up with the strangest answers that I would never in my life dream up. His composition exam is today and I'm just praying he will do ok because he sometimes thinks up the most bizarre stories which, coupled with his atrocious grammar and spelling, become completely incoherent.
Once, I gave him a composition assignment based on these 4 pictures:
Andre immediately piped up, "I thought cikgu is a fruit."
"That's CHIKU lah."
Typical Andre. Anyway, just thought I'd slip in that funny story. I always felt that Andre was creatively-inclined, not only because of his interest in the piano but in everyday life. I mentioned in a previous post about his "creativity" in English comprehension - he comes up with the strangest answers that I would never in my life dream up. His composition exam is today and I'm just praying he will do ok because he sometimes thinks up the most bizarre stories which, coupled with his atrocious grammar and spelling, become completely incoherent.
Once, I gave him a composition assignment based on these 4 pictures:
I won't type out the whole composition, but within the first two paragraphs, this is what Andre wrote:
Sam saw his classmates playing soccer. He asked John if he could join. John said he is to fat to play soccer. John had hurt his feelings. Sam sat on the grass at the side. He watched them play the game. Suddenly, a furious fox came to eat John for his lunch.
Aiyoh, how to mark like that? A furious fox? Eating little boys for lunch?? Somebody has been watching too many cartoons. In his defence, I think he has a very vivid imagination which sometimes cannot sieve out what is a realistic scenario and what is not. I'm hoping this will improve as he matures. Meanwhile, he has been quite conscientious in the past few days. He hasn't complained about the composition assignments I've given and I can see he's really trying, so I've got to give him credit for that. I must remember, as fellow blogger Adeline said, to celebrate the effort instead of the result.
Andre's creativity also extends to maths, as I recently found out. One of the maths topics in p2 is Shapes and Patterns. In one of the mock exam papers he did, there was this question:
"Draw one figure that has 3 straight lines and 4 curves in the box below. Use a ruler to draw your straight lines."
I laughed when I saw what Andre had drawn:
Maybe it's just me, but I thought that was thinking out of the box. Unfortunately, it's not enough to thrive in this cut-throat academic rat race but I'm glad he can find little ways to express his personality even within something as structured as the school curriculum.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Reading list for GEP English
I thought I would share a little about what is being taught in GEP English, for those who might be interested.
The GEP kids have no English textbook, instead they have one assigned fiction book a year, which they study (ala literature style). For p5 this year, it's Madeleine L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time. Last year for p4, it was EB White's Charlotte's Web. At the beginning of the school year, the kids are also given a recommended reading list. Out of the list of over 100 titles, they can pick any two on which to do their Extended Reading Project (ERP). As part of the ERP, the student has prepare a visual presentation with writeups which could include a summary of the book, reflections and his/her personal opinions.
For p5, the theme was mystery, so the kids were given a list of mystery titles and a list of general fiction titles - they had to pick a book from each list. This was Lesley-Anne's ERP for the mystery title, she chose the Sherlock Holmes' mystery A Study in Scarlet. There are "clues" written behind each window writeups and under the Private Property flap is a writeup on the "solution" to the novel.
For many parents of GEP kids, the word "ERP" doesn't conjure up images of diminishing cash card value in cars but something scarier. When I hear "ERP", I envision frantic late nights pasting printouts, cutting and gluing pieces of coloured paper, and scouring the internet for appropriate images.
It's not the school or the programme's fault. They actually very considerately give the kids 12 weeks' notice and even help them plan their schedule to ensure the ERP is delivered in a timely manner. Do the children appreciate this? Noooooo. They will nonchalantly tell themselves they have plenty of time, until 1 week before the project is due, then panic and inform their mothers, who will completely freak out, run out to Popular to buy coloured boards and papers, and spend the rest of the week commandeering the project because of its tortoise-speed progress (while berating their kids the whole time).
Ok, that was me. Not that I actually did the project for Lesley-Anne, but she wouldn't have been able to finish it without her dutiful parents' help. And I know it's not just me. A GEP mother told me a week before the ERP was due, she realised to her horror that her son had not even read the book he was doing the project on. Some other kid with less protective parents might find himself in this situation - submitting three design-challenged sheets of A4 paper that was potentially his project (this is a true account, don't laugh).
Anyway, apart from the 2 books they have to do the ERP on, the kids are encouraged to read as many books as possible from the book list, to improve their command of the language. I thought some parents might be interested to know what books are on the list, thus this post. This is the list for p5 GEP this year. Many of the titles were my childhood favourites. As mentioned, there's a mystery list and a general fiction list. Any item that has only an author's name means the student can read any story by that author.
Mystery
The GEP kids have no English textbook, instead they have one assigned fiction book a year, which they study (ala literature style). For p5 this year, it's Madeleine L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time. Last year for p4, it was EB White's Charlotte's Web. At the beginning of the school year, the kids are also given a recommended reading list. Out of the list of over 100 titles, they can pick any two on which to do their Extended Reading Project (ERP). As part of the ERP, the student has prepare a visual presentation with writeups which could include a summary of the book, reflections and his/her personal opinions.
For p5, the theme was mystery, so the kids were given a list of mystery titles and a list of general fiction titles - they had to pick a book from each list. This was Lesley-Anne's ERP for the mystery title, she chose the Sherlock Holmes' mystery A Study in Scarlet. There are "clues" written behind each window writeups and under the Private Property flap is a writeup on the "solution" to the novel.
For many parents of GEP kids, the word "ERP" doesn't conjure up images of diminishing cash card value in cars but something scarier. When I hear "ERP", I envision frantic late nights pasting printouts, cutting and gluing pieces of coloured paper, and scouring the internet for appropriate images.
It's not the school or the programme's fault. They actually very considerately give the kids 12 weeks' notice and even help them plan their schedule to ensure the ERP is delivered in a timely manner. Do the children appreciate this? Noooooo. They will nonchalantly tell themselves they have plenty of time, until 1 week before the project is due, then panic and inform their mothers, who will completely freak out, run out to Popular to buy coloured boards and papers, and spend the rest of the week commandeering the project because of its tortoise-speed progress (while berating their kids the whole time).
Ok, that was me. Not that I actually did the project for Lesley-Anne, but she wouldn't have been able to finish it without her dutiful parents' help. And I know it's not just me. A GEP mother told me a week before the ERP was due, she realised to her horror that her son had not even read the book he was doing the project on. Some other kid with less protective parents might find himself in this situation - submitting three design-challenged sheets of A4 paper that was potentially his project (this is a true account, don't laugh).
Anyway, apart from the 2 books they have to do the ERP on, the kids are encouraged to read as many books as possible from the book list, to improve their command of the language. I thought some parents might be interested to know what books are on the list, thus this post. This is the list for p5 GEP this year. Many of the titles were my childhood favourites. As mentioned, there's a mystery list and a general fiction list. Any item that has only an author's name means the student can read any story by that author.
Mystery
- Arthur Conan Doyle (must-read)
- Agatha Christie
- Alfred Hitchcock
- Ruth Rendell
- Edgar Allan Poe
- Ellery Queen
- Erle Stanley Gardner
- Ellis Peters
- Ed McBain
- Laurie E King (the Mary Russell series only)
- Anna Katherine Greene The Leavenworth Case
- Wilkie Collins The Woman in White; The Moonstone
- John Bellairs The Mummy, The Will and The Crypt; The Curse of the Blue Figurine
- Carol Farley The Case of the Vanishing Villain; Mystery of the Melted Diamonds
- Jean Craighead George Who Really Killed Cock Robin? An Ecological Mystery
- Patricia Reilly Have You See Hyacinth Macaw?
- David Kherdian The Turquoise Toad Mystery; Funny Bananas
- Robert Newman The Case of the Somerville Secret; Case of Baker Street Irregulars
- Ellen Raskin The Westing Game; Figgs & Phantoms; The Tattooed Potato
- Mordecai Richler Jacob Two-Two Meets the Hooded Fang
- Seymour Simon Einstein Anderson - Science Sleuth
- Donald J Sobol Encyclopedia Brown: Boy Detective (I was surprised to see this - Encyclopedia Brown is hardly the same level of writing as Edgar Allan Poe. But I think they just want the kids to understand how the mystery genre is written)
- Eve Titus Basil and the Pygmy Cats
General Fiction
- Philip Pullman The Amber Spyglass; The Subtle Knife; Northern Lights or The Golden Compass; I Was a Rat; Clockwork; The Firemaker's Daughter; Count Karlstein
- Kevin Crossey Arther - The Seeing Stone; Arthur - At the Crossing Place
- David Almond Kit's Wilderness; Secret Heart; Skellig; Heaven Eyes
- Elizabeth George Spears The Witch of Blackbird Pond; The Sign of the Beaver; Calico Captive; The Bronze Bow
- Eloise McGraw The Moorchild
- Linda Sue Park A Single Shard
- Elizabeth Coatsworth The Cat Who Went to Heaven
- John Marsden Winter
- Geraldine McCaughrean The Kite Rider
- Louis Sachar Holes
- Bill Richardson After Hamelin
- Terry Pratchett The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents
- Peter Dickenson The Ropemaker
- Karen Hess Out of the Dust
- Terry Trueman Stuck in Neutral
- Carol Genner Yolanda's Genius
- Elizabeth Goudge A Little White Horse
- EL Konigsburg From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs Basil E Frankweiler; Father's Arcane Daughter
- Madeleine L'Engle A Circle of Quiet; The Summer of the Great-Grandmother; Two-Part Invention
- Bruce Corville Into the Land of the Unicorn
- Washington Irving Legend of Sleepy Willow
- CS Lewis (The Narnia series)
- Pam Conrad Stonewords
- Beatrice Gormley Back to the Day Lincoln Was Shot
- Judith St George The Mysterious Girl in the Garden
- Phillipa Pearce Tom's Midnight Garden
- Kaye Gibbons Ellen Foster
- Robert Kimmel Smith Mostly Michael
- Stephen Manes Be A Perfect Person in Just Three Days
- Jaime Gilson Double Dog Dare
- Doris Buchanan Smith A Taste of Blackberries
- Joseph Krumgold ...And Now, Miguel
- Jean Craighead George My Side of the Mountain
- Nancy Farmer A Girl Named Disaster
- Gail Gauthier A Year With Butch and Spike
- James Berry Ajeemah and His Son
- Ruth Yaffe Radin All Joseph Wanted
- Lois Lowry Anastasia, Ask Your Analyst
- Judy Blume Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret (another surprise)
- George MacDonald At the Back of the North Wind
- Ruth White Belle Prater's Boy
- John Christopher Beyond the Burning Lands
- Nigel Hinton Buddy
- Armstrong Sperry Call It Courage
- Jack London Call of the Wild
- Andre Davies Conrad's War
- Robert D. San Souci Cut from the Same Cloth: American Women of Myth, Legend and Tall Tale
- James Daugherty Daniel Boone
- Cynthia Voight Dicey's Song
- Alan Garner Elidor
- David Rees Exeter Blitz
- Katherine Paterson Flip-Flop Girl
- Michelle Margorian Goodnight, Mister Tom
- Todd Strasser Help! I'm Trapped in My Teacher's Body
- Thomas Rockwell How to Eat Fried Worms
- Esther Forbes Johnny Tremain
- Patricia MacLachlan Journey
- Marguerite Henry King of the Wind
- Ronald Welch Knight Crusader
- Barbara Timberlake Russel Last Left Standing
- Sinclair Smith Let Me Tell You How I Died
- Elvira Woodruff Letters from the Oveland Trail
- Eileen Spinelli Lizzie Logan Wears Purple Sunglasses
- William Saroyan My Name is Aram
- Phyllis Reynolds Naylor Night Cry
- Adele Griffin Rainy Season
- Jane Cutler Rats!
- Anna Myers Red-Dirt Jessie
- Grey Owl Sajo and Her Beaver People
- Ann Nolan Clark Secret of the Andes
- Edgar Rice Burroughs Tarzan
- William Pene Dubois The 21 Balloons
- Cynthia DeFelice The Apprenticeship of Lucas Whitaker
- Avi The Blue Heron/Who Was That Masked Man, Anyway
- Mary Norton The Borrowers
- Katherine Paterson The Great Gilly Hopkins
- Margaret Mahy The Haunting
- Nina Bawden The House of Secrets
- Cynthia Rylant The Islander
- Betsy Byars The Midnight Fox
- Paula Danzinger The Pistachio Prescription
- Ian Serrailer The Silver Sword
- Paula Fox The Slave Dancer
- Ursula LeGuin The Wizard of Earthsea
- L Frank Baum The Wizard of Oz
- RL Stevenson Treasure Island
- Natalie Babbit Tuck Everlasting
- Irene Hunt Up A Road Slowly
- Vera and Bill Cleaver Where the Lilies Bloom
I hope someone finds this useful, considering how long it took to type! I might even be persuaded to post last year's p4 list if it's helpful to you (provided I can find it though)...
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Creative writing portfolio
Under the GEP, the kids have to compile a Creative Writing portfolio, representing some of their written work throughout the year. The portfolio is put in a clear folder and the kids have to design a nice cover with dividers and file their work which includes essays, poems and limericks. For each piece of work they include, they have to write a one-page reflection on what they had learnt or why they chose the topic.
This portfolio can eventually be used for Direct School Admission (DSA). Some of the writing assignments are quite interesting. There was one where they had to write from the point of view of a cockroach at a hawker centre.
Here's one of Lesley-Anne's poems she included in her portfolio for this year:
At the back of the folder, they have to include acknowledgements. And here's what Lesley-Anne wrote:
She acknowledged me! Yay!! See, I'm not such a hands off mum lah... I told her that was the best part of her portfolio and she rolled her eyes. Am I an egoist or what?
This portfolio can eventually be used for Direct School Admission (DSA). Some of the writing assignments are quite interesting. There was one where they had to write from the point of view of a cockroach at a hawker centre.
Here's one of Lesley-Anne's poems she included in her portfolio for this year:
At the back of the folder, they have to include acknowledgements. And here's what Lesley-Anne wrote:
She acknowledged me! Yay!! See, I'm not such a hands off mum lah... I told her that was the best part of her portfolio and she rolled her eyes. Am I an egoist or what?
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Melt in your mouth carrot cake
I've always maintained that I'm not a cook - I have a couple of food recipes my family will stomach, that's it. My family is the harshest critique, especially Kenneth. You practically can't make anything he'll like unless it tastes like his mum's cooking. (All these pampered mummy's boys!!) My kids too, have extremely critical and discerning taste buds (at 2 years old, Lesley-Anne was dictating her daily lunch menu). You know how those kids cookbooks kids teach you how to make food shapes because if it looks good, the kid will love it? Never worked on mine.
However, I do like to bake and I have 3 tried and tested cake recipes that my family loves. One of them is my carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. When I make this, it's normally polished off within 3 days.
I made this again on Thursday. Here's the recipe:
Ingredients
250ml oil or melted butter
200g brown sugar
3 eggs
250g sifted self-raising flour
1 tsp bicarbonate of soda
2 tsp cinnamon
dash of salt
2 large carrots, grated
100g chopped walnuts
Cream Cheese Icing
150g cream cheese (I use Philadephia Cream Cheese Light. If you want a richer cheese flavour, use the Regular.)
200g icing sugar
1 tsp lemon juice (optional: Kenneth doesn't like tangy icing so I skip this)
Cake:
However, I do like to bake and I have 3 tried and tested cake recipes that my family loves. One of them is my carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. When I make this, it's normally polished off within 3 days.
I made this again on Thursday. Here's the recipe:
Ingredients
250ml oil or melted butter200g brown sugar
3 eggs
250g sifted self-raising flour
1 tsp bicarbonate of soda
2 tsp cinnamon
dash of salt
2 large carrots, grated
100g chopped walnuts
Cream Cheese Icing
150g cream cheese (I use Philadephia Cream Cheese Light. If you want a richer cheese flavour, use the Regular.)
200g icing sugar
1 tsp lemon juice (optional: Kenneth doesn't like tangy icing so I skip this)
Cake:
- Preheat oven to 180 degrees celcius
- Beat oil, sugar and eggs until well combined
- Add flour, bicarbonate of soda, cinnamon and salt
- Fold in carrots and walnuts (important: fold, NOT beat)
- Pour into a 20cm square greased cake dish
- Bake for about 30mins or until skewer comes out clean
- Allow to stand 5 minutes before turning out
- Cool completely before icing
Icing:
- Beat cream cheese until smooth
- Add icing sugar and lemon juice, beat until smooth
Instead of using a cake dish, you can also use a muffin pan like I did. I like making them as muffins instead of a whole cake because it bakes more evenly, and it's much more convenient for serving and storing. If you use a 12-muffin pan like I did, bake each batch for about 20 mins. You'll also need more icing if you're baking muffins.
The times are just estimates depending on your oven. I would recommend you check about 5 mins before the time is up because over baking totally spoils the taste. If you stop baking just when the skewer is almost clean, the residual heat should nicely finish up the cooking and you'll have a very moist cake.
After I coat the muffin with the icing, it looks like this:
Doesn't look like much, I know, I'm not great at dressing up my cakes. But it passes the taste test with flying colours. This cake is very, very moist, light and bursting with flavour. Plus it's filled with carrots and walnuts, all healthy stuff (just don't think of the oil)! Here's what the inside looks like:
After Kenneth finished helping me take the photo, he asked, "Can I eat my cake NOW?" And he proceeded to have a second helping. If my fuss pot likes it, I know it's good.
Friday, October 10, 2008
English Oral 101
TGIF! After a few long posts, here's a short one.
Andre had his oral exam yesterday and the conversation we had when he came home from school is typical of the type of garbled dialogue I frequently have with him.
Me (anxiously): So how was your oral?
Andre: ok. (pause) I got 7/10.
Me: Huh? You mean you know your marks already?
Andre: Yes.
Me: How do you know?
Andre: Mrs Wong told us.
Me: When did she tell you?
Andre: Today.
Me (frowning): I know today. When exactly?
Andre: After the oral.
Me: 7/10 is ok, right?
Andre: A lot of people got 10/10. (This boy doesn't know how to make himself look good).
Me (worried): Really?
Andre: Like Bryan, Joshua...
Me: So...
Andre: Galen only got 9. (Only 9?? But Andre only got 7!!)
Me (hopefully): Did anyone get less than 7?
Andre: No.
Me (dead worried): So 7/10 not so good lah...
Andre: Mrs Wong said my work is good.
Me: Huh? When did she say this?
Andre: Today.
Me (exasperated): I KNOW today! When exactly?
Andre (equally exasperated): After the oral!
Me (puzzled): You mean after she took your oral, she had a chat with you?
Andre: No, she took Kelvin.
Me (totally confused): She spoke to you after she took Kelvin?
Andre: Hah?
Me (frustrated): WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
Andre: Mrs Wong didn't take me oral, she took KELVIN.
Me: So who took your oral?
Andre: I don't know her name.
Me: Ok, so after your oral, Mrs Wong spoke to you?
Andre: No, in class. She talked to all of us. (In exaggerated voice): We had to wait for her, she had to take 12 classes of oral, you know. (Obviously incorrect...)
Me: So what did she tell you?
Andre: She said my work is good but if I want to get 90/100, I cannot daydream.
Me: Good.
Andre: If I want to pull up lah.
Me: Pull up? What pull up?
Andre (thinking his mother's a moron): My marks lah!
No wonder he only got 7/10 for oral.
Andre had his oral exam yesterday and the conversation we had when he came home from school is typical of the type of garbled dialogue I frequently have with him.
Me (anxiously): So how was your oral?
Andre: ok. (pause) I got 7/10.
Me: Huh? You mean you know your marks already?
Andre: Yes.
Me: How do you know?
Andre: Mrs Wong told us.
Me: When did she tell you?
Andre: Today.
Me (frowning): I know today. When exactly?
Andre: After the oral.
Me: 7/10 is ok, right?
Andre: A lot of people got 10/10. (This boy doesn't know how to make himself look good).
Me (worried): Really?
Andre: Like Bryan, Joshua...
Me: So...
Andre: Galen only got 9. (Only 9?? But Andre only got 7!!)
Me (hopefully): Did anyone get less than 7?
Andre: No.
Me (dead worried): So 7/10 not so good lah...
Andre: Mrs Wong said my work is good.
Me: Huh? When did she say this?
Andre: Today.
Me (exasperated): I KNOW today! When exactly?
Andre (equally exasperated): After the oral!
Me (puzzled): You mean after she took your oral, she had a chat with you?
Andre: No, she took Kelvin.
Me (totally confused): She spoke to you after she took Kelvin?
Andre: Hah?
Me (frustrated): WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
Andre: Mrs Wong didn't take me oral, she took KELVIN.
Me: So who took your oral?
Andre: I don't know her name.
Me: Ok, so after your oral, Mrs Wong spoke to you?
Andre: No, in class. She talked to all of us. (In exaggerated voice): We had to wait for her, she had to take 12 classes of oral, you know. (Obviously incorrect...)
Me: So what did she tell you?
Andre: She said my work is good but if I want to get 90/100, I cannot daydream.
Me: Good.
Andre: If I want to pull up lah.
Me: Pull up? What pull up?
Andre (thinking his mother's a moron): My marks lah!
No wonder he only got 7/10 for oral.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Ode to teachers
I was thinking of posting about teachers, then Lilian wrote a post on her past teachers, which sparked my grey cells further. So many of our childhood memories are based on the teachers we had. Teachers are such a central component of education - they can spur you or scar you.
I had one primary school teacher, Mrs K, who traumatised me so much that it left an indelible mark on my memory. She was a bitter, bitter woman, I suspect largely because she didn’t have a son. This is NOT a judgmental statement against parents with daughters, it was an open fact that she yearned for a son and was very disappointed she couldn’t have one. She kept trying and finally stopped at 4 daughters. She often lashed out at her students and was pretty much hated throughout the school. (She once threw a girl’s school bag out the window down 3 floors).
But here’s the awful part: she lived in the same block of HDB flats as my family, so she and my parents knew each other. You would think that would make her nicer to me and my sister, but NO. She would be hypocritically friendly and polite in front of my parents, but in school, would often single me out to pick on. Once, half the class forgot to do something but she only yelled at and punished me.
It got pretty bad, I was terrified of her. I’m not sure why she hated me so much. I was extremely quiet and bookish, never the trouble-making type. Maybe because at that time, her eldest daughter was also in the school and about the same age as me, so she was, in some insane manner, threatened by my good academic performance. She even tried to turn my other teachers against me (a teacher persecuting a primary school kid! What’s up with that??) I know this because another very kind teacher who had a soft spot for me later told me how she had always supported me despite Mrs K’s crazy rants.
I’m pretty sure I said something to my father but in those days, complaining about teachers wasn’t the done thing (plus my father is absolutely the non-confrontational type) so I think the inaction fuelled her malice further. I know Mrs K continued to teach until her retirement recently. Why are these teachers allowed to ruin young lives? They should be locked up in a box and shipped far, far away from children.
My point is that the impact of a teacher on a child’s life is enormous. When I think back, the teachers I love the most are not the ones who taught well or the ones who were most interesting – they are the ones who were most supportive. My late piano teacher, who taught me for a decade and remained a close friend for the next 15 years, was someone I cherished because she believed in me and taught me to believe in myself. She was more like a mother to me than a teacher, always there to counsel or just to lend a listening ear. I was pretty devastated when she passed on.
So often we become who we are because of our teachers. If you think about it, during our schooling years, we frequently spend more time in proximity with them than with our own parents. How many times have you heard a successful person acknowledge Teacher XX “for inspiring me to pursue my dreams” or “for making me believe I can achieve whatever I put my mind to”? Too many to count, I bet.
On the other side of the coin, as I’ve described, we also remember the ones who DON’T believe in us. Ironically, I wonder how much this plays in spurring achievement. I read a story about Olympian Michael Phelps, how he suffered from ADHD and his teacher told his mother, “Your son will never be able to focus on anything”. Famous last words.
On his Life Thru A Lens album, pop superstar Robbie Williams wrote this poem:
Hello Sir, remember me?
I'm the man you thought I'd never be
The boy who you reduced to tears
Lad called 'thingy' for six whole years.
Yes, that's right, my name's Bob
The one who landed the pop star's job
The one you told, look don't touch
The kid who wouldn't amount to much.
Well, I'm here and you're still there
With a fake sports car and receding hair.
Dodgy Farah trousers that you think are smart
Married to the woman who teaches art.
Married to the life, married to the school
I wanna sing and dance Sir; now who's the fool?
Sing and dance, you thought I was barmy
Settle down thingy, join the army.
And who are you to tell me this?
The dream I want I'll have to miss
Sir is God, he's been given the right
To structure lives overnight.
Now I know life's true path
Tanks and guns that'll be a laugh
No, not me I'm a mega civilian
I won't lead my life riding pillion.
But thanks for the advice and I'm sure it'll do
For the negative dickheads just like you.
As for now I've a different weapon
Stage and screen is about to beckon.
And here I sit in first class
Bollocks Sir, kiss my arse.
Bad boy Robbie is all about shock and controversy, but you can clearly hear the antipathy and vulnerability in his lyrics. I wonder how much of Robbie’s success was triggered by his determination to "prove 'em wrong".
So interestingly enough, uninspired teachers can elicit success from students as much as inspired teachers, though unwittingly so. But I know which ones get my thanks.
I had one primary school teacher, Mrs K, who traumatised me so much that it left an indelible mark on my memory. She was a bitter, bitter woman, I suspect largely because she didn’t have a son. This is NOT a judgmental statement against parents with daughters, it was an open fact that she yearned for a son and was very disappointed she couldn’t have one. She kept trying and finally stopped at 4 daughters. She often lashed out at her students and was pretty much hated throughout the school. (She once threw a girl’s school bag out the window down 3 floors).
But here’s the awful part: she lived in the same block of HDB flats as my family, so she and my parents knew each other. You would think that would make her nicer to me and my sister, but NO. She would be hypocritically friendly and polite in front of my parents, but in school, would often single me out to pick on. Once, half the class forgot to do something but she only yelled at and punished me.
It got pretty bad, I was terrified of her. I’m not sure why she hated me so much. I was extremely quiet and bookish, never the trouble-making type. Maybe because at that time, her eldest daughter was also in the school and about the same age as me, so she was, in some insane manner, threatened by my good academic performance. She even tried to turn my other teachers against me (a teacher persecuting a primary school kid! What’s up with that??) I know this because another very kind teacher who had a soft spot for me later told me how she had always supported me despite Mrs K’s crazy rants.
I’m pretty sure I said something to my father but in those days, complaining about teachers wasn’t the done thing (plus my father is absolutely the non-confrontational type) so I think the inaction fuelled her malice further. I know Mrs K continued to teach until her retirement recently. Why are these teachers allowed to ruin young lives? They should be locked up in a box and shipped far, far away from children.
My point is that the impact of a teacher on a child’s life is enormous. When I think back, the teachers I love the most are not the ones who taught well or the ones who were most interesting – they are the ones who were most supportive. My late piano teacher, who taught me for a decade and remained a close friend for the next 15 years, was someone I cherished because she believed in me and taught me to believe in myself. She was more like a mother to me than a teacher, always there to counsel or just to lend a listening ear. I was pretty devastated when she passed on.
So often we become who we are because of our teachers. If you think about it, during our schooling years, we frequently spend more time in proximity with them than with our own parents. How many times have you heard a successful person acknowledge Teacher XX “for inspiring me to pursue my dreams” or “for making me believe I can achieve whatever I put my mind to”? Too many to count, I bet.
On the other side of the coin, as I’ve described, we also remember the ones who DON’T believe in us. Ironically, I wonder how much this plays in spurring achievement. I read a story about Olympian Michael Phelps, how he suffered from ADHD and his teacher told his mother, “Your son will never be able to focus on anything”. Famous last words.
On his Life Thru A Lens album, pop superstar Robbie Williams wrote this poem:Hello Sir, remember me?
I'm the man you thought I'd never be
The boy who you reduced to tears
Lad called 'thingy' for six whole years.
Yes, that's right, my name's Bob
The one who landed the pop star's job
The one you told, look don't touch
The kid who wouldn't amount to much.
Well, I'm here and you're still there
With a fake sports car and receding hair.
Dodgy Farah trousers that you think are smart
Married to the woman who teaches art.
Married to the life, married to the school
I wanna sing and dance Sir; now who's the fool?
Sing and dance, you thought I was barmy
Settle down thingy, join the army.
And who are you to tell me this?
The dream I want I'll have to miss
Sir is God, he's been given the right
To structure lives overnight.
Now I know life's true path
Tanks and guns that'll be a laugh
No, not me I'm a mega civilian
I won't lead my life riding pillion.
But thanks for the advice and I'm sure it'll do
For the negative dickheads just like you.
As for now I've a different weapon
Stage and screen is about to beckon.
And here I sit in first class
Bollocks Sir, kiss my arse.
Bad boy Robbie is all about shock and controversy, but you can clearly hear the antipathy and vulnerability in his lyrics. I wonder how much of Robbie’s success was triggered by his determination to "prove 'em wrong".
So interestingly enough, uninspired teachers can elicit success from students as much as inspired teachers, though unwittingly so. But I know which ones get my thanks.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Recommendations for maths assessment books
It's exam time again and I'm stressed out... again. Four exams a year is too much, I think. Multiply that by two kids and 3-5 subjects each... honestly! It's too much!
You may ask why I don't just leave them alone. In my opinion, people who ask that either 1) have no kids, 2) have kids but are not in the Singapore system, 3) have kids in the Singapore system who are geniuses. Really, I'm not sure it's possible to have kids in the Singapore education system and not feel the pressure, even just a little. A few weeks before the exams, the kids bring home their exam timetables and the parent is supposed to sign on the slip at the bottom, stating something to the effect of: "I have noted my child's exam schedule and will help him/her prepare for it." Aiyoh, like signing my life away!
Comparatively, I'm already quite a relaxed mum. I don't dole out extra work during the rest of the year, I just make sure the homework gets done (even that is questionable, considering the number of notes I've gotten from Andre's teacher). The kids have Chinese tuition, and Kenneth supervises the tuition homework, which is done over the weekend, but that's about it in terms of academic work done at home. So maybe that's why when the exam period draws near, I suddenly go into panic mode when I realise there are so many things to cover.
I guess I should be thankful that Lesley-Anne is doing ok in school (except for maths) and she has reached the age where she's able to study independently without me looking over her shoulder too much. It's Andre who tends to give me the near heart attacks. Close to the exams, the teacher will normally give out mock exam papers, which are past years' papers. Quite commonly, he returns home with a paper showing marks in the range of 70/100, upon which my blood pressure will instantaneously shoot up.
I have to explain that I'm not being unrealistic about his abilities. Believe it or not, Andre is actually above average among his p2 cohort at his school in terms of academic performance. In exams, he has so far usually managed to meet the Band 1 target I've set for him (note: Band 1 is 85/100) for all his subjects. But his playfulness and lack of focus means that during term time, he tends to do rather badly. In fact, almost every mock paper he has done in the past month has had "Needs Improvement" stamped on it. (I personally dislike this, it's gives the child zero encouragement and doesn't motivate him to do better.)
Naturally I'm hoping that his mad exam skills will come into play again and he will rise to the occasion, but the work IS getting harder and at some point, I think it would be too much to expect that he can skive throughout the year and just shine during exams.
Anyway, I actually intended to talk about maths assessment books today (see how cheong-hei I am, take so long to get to the point!) I wanted to share my experience on some of the better ones I've come across as I know many parents have contributed to Popular's profits by investing in armloads of these assessment books. Unfortunately, we have all at some point, thrown money down the drain just to find out which are the good ones and which are just crap.
Qualifier: I have, by no means, tried every one out there, so I can't claim there aren't better ones out there. Since I don't give out work during normal term time, I usually just buy 3 maths assessment books a year. Sometimes, my kids don't even complete the whole book by year end, just certain sections.
The maths standard at my kids' school is pretty high. I used to buy test papers from other schools (you know, the kind they sell in a pack) until I realised that almost none of them matched up to the school's standard, so they provided insufficient preparation for the exams. So now, my maths preparation for my kids is quite standard - I just use
3 maths assessment books each for Lesley-Anne and Andre and give them out systematically.
The first one is by Andrew Er. This one is quite comprehensive - it's topical and gives lots of exercises, good for drills and providing loads of practice for specific topics. It contains regular questions and "star" questions which are more challenging. The questions are not too difficult, even the star ones usually don't stump Lesley-Anne. But this book is good for practice and building the foundation for concepts.
This one published by EPH is my step 2. It is also topical but with fewer exercises than Andrew Er. Each topic has summary notes and is like a paper, with Section A (multiple choice), Section B (open-ended) and Section C (problem sums). The questions do require thinking and are not so straight-forward. This book is a good step up from Andrew Er, to see if my kids understand the concepts when they are presented in a less obvious manner.
Finally, this is my step 3 - Challenging Maths by CASCO. Once my kids have completed the one above, they move on to this book. Among all the maths assessment books I've ever used, this is the most challenging. If your kids can handle most of the questions in this book, they should have no problem aceing the school exams. This book is not topical, it's grouped in terms of common tests, CAs and SAs, each testing a combination of topics, which makes it great for the final round of revisions.
But be warned: the questions in the CASCO publication are TOUGH, especially the p3 and p4 ones. There were some questions in the p4 book that stumped me, even after I'd look at the solution! So don't be too worried if your kid can't handle it, most school papers aren't at this level. In fact, when I set this book for my kids, I don't set them a whole paper at a time - it's too daunting. Dish it out in smaller doses.
Now, here's the bad news: This year, when I went to look for the p5 CASCO Challenging Maths for Lesley-Anne, I found that it had been taken off the shelf because the P5 maths syllabus underwent changes (they can now use calculators for certain sections). I was waiting for the new edition but it never came out. Later, I realised that even the p3 and p4 ones have been pulled. I'm not sure if they will re-release this, I really hope so as I never found any other maths assessment book to match this one. Meanwhile, if you have any other recommendations, do let me know!
You may ask why I don't just leave them alone. In my opinion, people who ask that either 1) have no kids, 2) have kids but are not in the Singapore system, 3) have kids in the Singapore system who are geniuses. Really, I'm not sure it's possible to have kids in the Singapore education system and not feel the pressure, even just a little. A few weeks before the exams, the kids bring home their exam timetables and the parent is supposed to sign on the slip at the bottom, stating something to the effect of: "I have noted my child's exam schedule and will help him/her prepare for it." Aiyoh, like signing my life away!
Comparatively, I'm already quite a relaxed mum. I don't dole out extra work during the rest of the year, I just make sure the homework gets done (even that is questionable, considering the number of notes I've gotten from Andre's teacher). The kids have Chinese tuition, and Kenneth supervises the tuition homework, which is done over the weekend, but that's about it in terms of academic work done at home. So maybe that's why when the exam period draws near, I suddenly go into panic mode when I realise there are so many things to cover.
I guess I should be thankful that Lesley-Anne is doing ok in school (except for maths) and she has reached the age where she's able to study independently without me looking over her shoulder too much. It's Andre who tends to give me the near heart attacks. Close to the exams, the teacher will normally give out mock exam papers, which are past years' papers. Quite commonly, he returns home with a paper showing marks in the range of 70/100, upon which my blood pressure will instantaneously shoot up.
I have to explain that I'm not being unrealistic about his abilities. Believe it or not, Andre is actually above average among his p2 cohort at his school in terms of academic performance. In exams, he has so far usually managed to meet the Band 1 target I've set for him (note: Band 1 is 85/100) for all his subjects. But his playfulness and lack of focus means that during term time, he tends to do rather badly. In fact, almost every mock paper he has done in the past month has had "Needs Improvement" stamped on it. (I personally dislike this, it's gives the child zero encouragement and doesn't motivate him to do better.)
Naturally I'm hoping that his mad exam skills will come into play again and he will rise to the occasion, but the work IS getting harder and at some point, I think it would be too much to expect that he can skive throughout the year and just shine during exams.
Anyway, I actually intended to talk about maths assessment books today (see how cheong-hei I am, take so long to get to the point!) I wanted to share my experience on some of the better ones I've come across as I know many parents have contributed to Popular's profits by investing in armloads of these assessment books. Unfortunately, we have all at some point, thrown money down the drain just to find out which are the good ones and which are just crap.
Qualifier: I have, by no means, tried every one out there, so I can't claim there aren't better ones out there. Since I don't give out work during normal term time, I usually just buy 3 maths assessment books a year. Sometimes, my kids don't even complete the whole book by year end, just certain sections.
The maths standard at my kids' school is pretty high. I used to buy test papers from other schools (you know, the kind they sell in a pack) until I realised that almost none of them matched up to the school's standard, so they provided insufficient preparation for the exams. So now, my maths preparation for my kids is quite standard - I just use
3 maths assessment books each for Lesley-Anne and Andre and give them out systematically.The first one is by Andrew Er. This one is quite comprehensive - it's topical and gives lots of exercises, good for drills and providing loads of practice for specific topics. It contains regular questions and "star" questions which are more challenging. The questions are not too difficult, even the star ones usually don't stump Lesley-Anne. But this book is good for practice and building the foundation for concepts.
This one published by EPH is my step 2. It is also topical but with fewer exercises than Andrew Er. Each topic has summary notes and is like a paper, with Section A (multiple choice), Section B (open-ended) and Section C (problem sums). The questions do require thinking and are not so straight-forward. This book is a good step up from Andrew Er, to see if my kids understand the concepts when they are presented in a less obvious manner.
Finally, this is my step 3 - Challenging Maths by CASCO. Once my kids have completed the one above, they move on to this book. Among all the maths assessment books I've ever used, this is the most challenging. If your kids can handle most of the questions in this book, they should have no problem aceing the school exams. This book is not topical, it's grouped in terms of common tests, CAs and SAs, each testing a combination of topics, which makes it great for the final round of revisions.But be warned: the questions in the CASCO publication are TOUGH, especially the p3 and p4 ones. There were some questions in the p4 book that stumped me, even after I'd look at the solution! So don't be too worried if your kid can't handle it, most school papers aren't at this level. In fact, when I set this book for my kids, I don't set them a whole paper at a time - it's too daunting. Dish it out in smaller doses.
Now, here's the bad news: This year, when I went to look for the p5 CASCO Challenging Maths for Lesley-Anne, I found that it had been taken off the shelf because the P5 maths syllabus underwent changes (they can now use calculators for certain sections). I was waiting for the new edition but it never came out. Later, I realised that even the p3 and p4 ones have been pulled. I'm not sure if they will re-release this, I really hope so as I never found any other maths assessment book to match this one. Meanwhile, if you have any other recommendations, do let me know!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Ballet, the confidence booster
I realise I’ve been talking a lot about Andre lately, so to be fair, today’s post is about Lesley-Anne. One of Lesley-Anne’s biggest loves is ballet. Before you go, “wah, in GEP, take piano, take tae-kwon-do, still got ballet!” and think I’m one of those pushy, ogre-type mums, I must protest my innocence. It’s her decision, really!
When she was about 5 years old, I did casually ask her if she was interested in learning ballet, but at that time, she was unbearably shy and the thought of public performance horrified her. (At her first pre-school concert, she stood frozen on stage while all her little friends in butterfly costumes danced around her). So the subject was dropped and she went for piano lessons instead.
I’m no dancer myself, but I do admire the grace and impossibly beautiful movements of ballerinas. I love all the ballet classics – Swan Lake, Sleeping Beauty, Romeo and Juliet, as well as more modern works. When the Royal Ballet came to town for the Arts Festival in 2005 to perform Swan Lake, I brought Lesley-Anne to see the performance. The sets and costumes were breath-taking, and the dancing was impeccably flawless. Lesley-Anne was spell-bound. Despite the whole show lasting over three hours, she sat entranced throughout.
After that performance, she told me, “Mummy, I want to learn ballet.” She was still very taciturn then, so I was surprised that she would be interested in an art form that was all about physical expression. I was sceptical and kept asking, “Are you sure?” until she convinced me that she was committed to her decision.
It might appear that I always pour cold water on my children’s wishes to take on a new activity. The reason behind this is that Kenneth and I frown upon the idea of quitting. Basically, we believe that once a commitment is made, perseverance should ensue, except for extenuating circumstances, of course. Call me old-fashioned but I don’t approve of kids who flit from one CCA or hobby to another, quitting every time the going got tough or they got tired of it. How to develop tenacity otherwise? If our kids wish to take on something, we will support 100% but I’ll always caution them to think twice because quitting is not an option.
We signed Lesley-Anne up for ballet lessons at a community centre, upon the recommendation of a friend. This particular teacher has been giving ballet lessons for the last 40 years and she’s wonderful.
To cut a long story short, Lesley-Anne is still taking lessons from the same teacher today. She started off at Grade 1 and is currently doing her Grade 4. She enjoys it tremendously, more so than her piano lessons.
She has so far taken two examinations and gotten Distinctions in both. As with the piano, examinations are not compulsory – all the pupils move up with the class and learn the syllabus although the non-examination pupils tend to get slightly less attention during the weeks leading up to the examination.
Learning ballet has had a dramatic effect on Lesley-Anne. Dance is a very open art form - you can’t hide behind an instrument or a canvas. Somehow, having to express herself physically through dance has enabled her to come out of her shell. Ever since she took up ballet, she walks and talks more confidently, and she holds herself up taller.
She is still an introvert but at least she now actively participates in social occasions instead of hiding in the shadows. Of course it could also partly be a process of growing up, but I saw the change only from the time she took up ballet, so I’m pretty sure it has no small part to play in her transformation. Quite a few people have commented that she’s very poised, again something I attribute to ballet.
This is a short video of Port de Bras - one of the centrework exercises for Grade 2 (back in 2006). When Lesley-Anne found out I was going to post this, she screeched: “Don’t put up any embarrassing videos of me!” But I think it’s cute lah, see how angelic all the girls look! Since it’s my blog, I get to do what I want, ha. She’s threatening to hack into my account, so if my post suddenly disappears, you’ll know what happened.
When she was about 5 years old, I did casually ask her if she was interested in learning ballet, but at that time, she was unbearably shy and the thought of public performance horrified her. (At her first pre-school concert, she stood frozen on stage while all her little friends in butterfly costumes danced around her). So the subject was dropped and she went for piano lessons instead.
I’m no dancer myself, but I do admire the grace and impossibly beautiful movements of ballerinas. I love all the ballet classics – Swan Lake, Sleeping Beauty, Romeo and Juliet, as well as more modern works. When the Royal Ballet came to town for the Arts Festival in 2005 to perform Swan Lake, I brought Lesley-Anne to see the performance. The sets and costumes were breath-taking, and the dancing was impeccably flawless. Lesley-Anne was spell-bound. Despite the whole show lasting over three hours, she sat entranced throughout.After that performance, she told me, “Mummy, I want to learn ballet.” She was still very taciturn then, so I was surprised that she would be interested in an art form that was all about physical expression. I was sceptical and kept asking, “Are you sure?” until she convinced me that she was committed to her decision.
It might appear that I always pour cold water on my children’s wishes to take on a new activity. The reason behind this is that Kenneth and I frown upon the idea of quitting. Basically, we believe that once a commitment is made, perseverance should ensue, except for extenuating circumstances, of course. Call me old-fashioned but I don’t approve of kids who flit from one CCA or hobby to another, quitting every time the going got tough or they got tired of it. How to develop tenacity otherwise? If our kids wish to take on something, we will support 100% but I’ll always caution them to think twice because quitting is not an option.
We signed Lesley-Anne up for ballet lessons at a community centre, upon the recommendation of a friend. This particular teacher has been giving ballet lessons for the last 40 years and she’s wonderful.To cut a long story short, Lesley-Anne is still taking lessons from the same teacher today. She started off at Grade 1 and is currently doing her Grade 4. She enjoys it tremendously, more so than her piano lessons.
She has so far taken two examinations and gotten Distinctions in both. As with the piano, examinations are not compulsory – all the pupils move up with the class and learn the syllabus although the non-examination pupils tend to get slightly less attention during the weeks leading up to the examination.Learning ballet has had a dramatic effect on Lesley-Anne. Dance is a very open art form - you can’t hide behind an instrument or a canvas. Somehow, having to express herself physically through dance has enabled her to come out of her shell. Ever since she took up ballet, she walks and talks more confidently, and she holds herself up taller.
She is still an introvert but at least she now actively participates in social occasions instead of hiding in the shadows. Of course it could also partly be a process of growing up, but I saw the change only from the time she took up ballet, so I’m pretty sure it has no small part to play in her transformation. Quite a few people have commented that she’s very poised, again something I attribute to ballet.This is a short video of Port de Bras - one of the centrework exercises for Grade 2 (back in 2006). When Lesley-Anne found out I was going to post this, she screeched: “Don’t put up any embarrassing videos of me!” But I think it’s cute lah, see how angelic all the girls look! Since it’s my blog, I get to do what I want, ha. She’s threatening to hack into my account, so if my post suddenly disappears, you’ll know what happened.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Which comes first - the girl or the boy?
Staying on the topic of birth order, I think the gender of a child plays a huge part (in Asia at least) in how birth order shapes his or her personality.
As you know, I have a daughter and a son, in that order. I’ve lost count of the number of times people have told me, “You’re lucky the first one is a girl, then she can help out with the younger one.” I used to have a standard response explaining my views but grew tired of appearing churlish. These days, I just smile politely and say nothing.
Why do people persist in spouting clichés as if they were the gospel truth, without actually examining what they’re saying? I can’t be sure but I suspect this belief is rooted in Asian culture, stemming from the patriarchal society we live in. Underlying that simple statement are two loaded assumptions: 1) the girl’s role is to help, 2) the son is more important.
The assumption that the elder girl’s role is helper is one that I reject totally. I’m partial to the case of the elder daughter because that’s who I am and although my younger sibling is a sister not a brother, the role of helper was foisted upon me when I was growing up. A little about me, I am the most undomesticated female I know. I can’t cook (and have no wish to), I’m a horrible caregiver, and I detest cleaning and other household chores. I know nobody really likes to clean but I seriously hate it with a vengeance. I would rather live in an unkempt place than clean up. (That’s why I tell everyone, if I can handle motherhood, anyone can!)
So when my parents told me I had to look after my little sister, I instantly rebelled (I turned the tables around by tormenting her instead). This earned me the label of being uncooperative which I begrudged. Today, the memory of this is still very vivid. I remember feeling that it was monstrously unfair that from as young as 6 years old, I was expected to be the mature, responsible one, while my sister, even at age 12, could get away with being juvenile and playful. That somehow my birth order doomed me to a pre-determined role.
I’m not saying children shouldn’t have to help out – on the contrary, I think children should learn to take on some responsibility around the house. What I’m against is the implication that because you’re the eldest, somehow the burden of being responsible for the younger children automatically falls on you. Parents, remember the decision to have another child was yours, not your first born’s! Another common phrase that puts my teeth on edge: “Give in to him lah, he’s younger.” And these same parents wonder why the sibling rivalry is so strong and that their first borns have so much resentment against their younger siblings.
I was very conscious not to do the same to Lesley-Anne. When she does help out with Andre, she’s praised because she’s helping out, not because she’s doing her job. I’ve never told her that she has to look after Andre because she’s older. But I do tell her she should help Andre as he’s her brother, the same way I tell Andre he should look out for his sister.
I know generally, most first borns feel the pressure to help out with their younger siblings but I think the pressure is less for boys. I never hear people say to parents who have a son as a first born, “You’re lucky, your son can help out with your younger ones.” Many people will argue that their sons are simply incapable of helping out. This may be true but while this is an acceptable excuse for boys, girls, regardless of their inclination are usually still expected to step up to the plate.
Apart from the stereotype that girls are better helpers than boys, it also sends the signal that boys are valued more. I have been voicing out against this chauvinistic mindset for the longest time. When I was pregnant with Lesley-Anne, before we found out her gender, an elderly relative told me, “It’s better for the first one to be a boy, then the second one can be anything.” I retorted, “no, if the first one is a boy, I want my second child to be a girl.” (She was shocked into silence.) One of my girl friends told me when she found out her first child was a girl, her mother-in-law probably thought she was being kind by saying (in Mandarin) “first one girl is good”. But what she really meant was that the second one should preferably be a boy (and the girl would be able to help out).
In this modern day world, it is inexplicable to me that this archaic tradition still lives on. Every child is a gift! I guess old habits die hard. When I explained to my French friend Isabelle about the Chinese preference for boys to carry on the family name, she replied, “yes, because there aren’t enough Tans in the world!” I thought it was hilarious.
As you know, I have a daughter and a son, in that order. I’ve lost count of the number of times people have told me, “You’re lucky the first one is a girl, then she can help out with the younger one.” I used to have a standard response explaining my views but grew tired of appearing churlish. These days, I just smile politely and say nothing.
Why do people persist in spouting clichés as if they were the gospel truth, without actually examining what they’re saying? I can’t be sure but I suspect this belief is rooted in Asian culture, stemming from the patriarchal society we live in. Underlying that simple statement are two loaded assumptions: 1) the girl’s role is to help, 2) the son is more important.
The assumption that the elder girl’s role is helper is one that I reject totally. I’m partial to the case of the elder daughter because that’s who I am and although my younger sibling is a sister not a brother, the role of helper was foisted upon me when I was growing up. A little about me, I am the most undomesticated female I know. I can’t cook (and have no wish to), I’m a horrible caregiver, and I detest cleaning and other household chores. I know nobody really likes to clean but I seriously hate it with a vengeance. I would rather live in an unkempt place than clean up. (That’s why I tell everyone, if I can handle motherhood, anyone can!)
So when my parents told me I had to look after my little sister, I instantly rebelled (I turned the tables around by tormenting her instead). This earned me the label of being uncooperative which I begrudged. Today, the memory of this is still very vivid. I remember feeling that it was monstrously unfair that from as young as 6 years old, I was expected to be the mature, responsible one, while my sister, even at age 12, could get away with being juvenile and playful. That somehow my birth order doomed me to a pre-determined role.
I’m not saying children shouldn’t have to help out – on the contrary, I think children should learn to take on some responsibility around the house. What I’m against is the implication that because you’re the eldest, somehow the burden of being responsible for the younger children automatically falls on you. Parents, remember the decision to have another child was yours, not your first born’s! Another common phrase that puts my teeth on edge: “Give in to him lah, he’s younger.” And these same parents wonder why the sibling rivalry is so strong and that their first borns have so much resentment against their younger siblings.
I was very conscious not to do the same to Lesley-Anne. When she does help out with Andre, she’s praised because she’s helping out, not because she’s doing her job. I’ve never told her that she has to look after Andre because she’s older. But I do tell her she should help Andre as he’s her brother, the same way I tell Andre he should look out for his sister.
I know generally, most first borns feel the pressure to help out with their younger siblings but I think the pressure is less for boys. I never hear people say to parents who have a son as a first born, “You’re lucky, your son can help out with your younger ones.” Many people will argue that their sons are simply incapable of helping out. This may be true but while this is an acceptable excuse for boys, girls, regardless of their inclination are usually still expected to step up to the plate.
Apart from the stereotype that girls are better helpers than boys, it also sends the signal that boys are valued more. I have been voicing out against this chauvinistic mindset for the longest time. When I was pregnant with Lesley-Anne, before we found out her gender, an elderly relative told me, “It’s better for the first one to be a boy, then the second one can be anything.” I retorted, “no, if the first one is a boy, I want my second child to be a girl.” (She was shocked into silence.) One of my girl friends told me when she found out her first child was a girl, her mother-in-law probably thought she was being kind by saying (in Mandarin) “first one girl is good”. But what she really meant was that the second one should preferably be a boy (and the girl would be able to help out).
In this modern day world, it is inexplicable to me that this archaic tradition still lives on. Every child is a gift! I guess old habits die hard. When I explained to my French friend Isabelle about the Chinese preference for boys to carry on the family name, she replied, “yes, because there aren’t enough Tans in the world!” I thought it was hilarious.
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